Finally...Getting It Right

When I'm doing my own homework assignment of getting it right with myself, I'm not looking to others to do my homework for me.  I'm the only student who has sat in the front row through all the classes of my own life.  When I'm open to seeing clearly what those lessons have taught me, I'm best able to do my homework and get it right for myself.  In an effort to get it right with myself, just like any good student, I recognize when I'm stuck and needing some assistance from others who have experience doing similar homework assignments in their own recovery and path of discipleship.

Getting it right with myself means giving me what I need; truth and grace.

When I'm not doing my own homework of getting it right with myself, I too easily default into interacting with others all day long by sub-consciously relying on others to do my homework for me rather than getting myself tutors who will assist me in how to do it well for myself.  I often need help from others who are further along on this road and have done more of these homework assignments themselves, but I've got to be the one doing the work myself.  When either the cards I've been dealt, or the cards I've played on the table don't create favorable conditions for my heart or mind to thrive in, I tend to get hurt, be resentful of others, or submit to self-abasing thoughts much easier when I haven't been faithful in this.

I'm recently learning, by doing relationships, at a whole different level.  It's at a high level of authenticity, and I'm finally learning the key to doing these kinds of relationships without backing out at the first sign of hurt or offense is to be doing my own homework on a regular basis which includes getting the assistance I need as needed.  Procrastination in this area has cost me dearly.  When I get it right with myself, I'm feeding my mind and my heart the vital nutrients it needs in order to thrive.  When I'm thriving chances are that others will greatly benefit from me being better equipped, so I'll be of better service to others, so it's anything but selfish.

The two vital nutrients my mind and heart need on a regular basis: grace and truth.

My mind primarily needs truth, for when it's operating out of fallacies, it doesn't take too long for my heart to discern that somethings off in my mind and sends it off racing to make sense out of what it has to work with.  When my mind is truth deficient, conflict to varying degrees ensues.  Inwardly at first, then outwardly if I'm unresponsive for any length of time to this discrepancy.

My heart primarily needs grace, for when it receives truth in the absence of grace, it's only a matter of time before it starts to self-destruct.

Truth without grace can self-destruct, and often leaves a scar or two in the process. 

Truth and grace are both needed, for I am a complex being with my heart and mind needing to be aligned with one another, and both getting their vital nutrients for me to thrive in response to whatever life serves up, either as a result of my choices or others.  Who is my perfect example of operating out of this perfect alignment?  -Jesus.  I have to have my eyes fixed on that which I'm trying to emulate, because when my focus is ambiguous or vague, it leads to me being ambiguous and vague within and the fruit of that is not inner peace.

Operating from this foundation equips me to engage authentically with others at a whole different level of appearing insanely vulnerable, while I'm actually quite secured from doing my homework on a regular basis behind the scenes.  On stage, to those who primarily watch but don't engage, I may appear like I'm being insanely vulnerable (that is where I've come from, being one of those critical spectators of the bold and crazy people). But in reality I'm much more vulnerable when I'm hiding my authentic-self out of fear and shame (consciously or sub-consciously) of how I'm perceiving myself being perceived by others who aren't invited insiders of my life.  It's a premeditated and calculated vulnerability.

I'm able to be authentic because I'm not as vulnerable to others and what they may say or not say, do or not do -when I'm doing my homework and am getting it right with myself, behind the scenes, with the assistance of others as needed, on an ongoing basis.

I'm arming my mind and my heart with grace and truth.  Others are needed to support me in this effort, by backing up the truth.  And when my own wounds play into me misinterpreting what others say and do, I can work it out with my community of carefully selected people on my team who are on their own similar but unique paths themselves.

These members are an indispensable part of me learning to get it right with myself (recovery) and path to freedom, and they each represent different essential parts of the body of Christ.

Spiritual Bypass - Shame Fuels The Flame

"Spiritual bypass" -- the use of spirituality to avoid or create a diversion from dealing with and confronting painful issues at the cognitive, emotional, physical and interpersonal levels.

"Involvement in spiritual teachings and practices can become a way to rationalize and reinforce old defenses. . . . Many of the "perils of the path" . . . result from trying to use spirituality to shore up developmental deficiencies.
—John Welwood (2000, p. 12) Awakening the heart: East-west approaches to psychotherapy and the healing relationship.

Well put.  Sometimes I wonder if the people who are most prone to spiritual bypassing are in the evangelical church.  I probably wonder that because that's been my own personal experience, and its aftereffects tend to linger.

Much of my individual work in recovery - including my recovery maintenance, heavily relies on applying a spiritual program of action -the 12 steps.  Though it's a spiritual program of action, the applications have covered far more than just thinking along spiritual lines, and the manifestation isn't exclusively at spiritual levels, it encompasses the cognitive, emotional, physical and interpersonal arenas.  For what good is a spiritual program of action if it doesn't have the capacity to make a profound impact at all levels?

I have not always interacted with life applying the tools from this program though.  I'm still a babe in recovery and in working the steps.  I was rather resistant in the beginning when I was initially introduced to the 12 steps and attended my first 12-step meeting.  Why?  Because I was an expert in spiritual bypassing, with my Pharisaical Evangelical Christian background, only recently having it challenged, by other Christians.

Whenever I sinned or behaved in a way in which I knew was nothing like Jesus, I would berate myself with Bible verses and shame (often while praying) for behaving or thinking the way I did.  If I even felt slightly hurt or offended by a circumstance or another person's actions or words, I would engage in this "spiritual" practice of shaming "truth" into my psyche.  I was addicted to using shame to medicate my aching heart, by anesthetizing its cries to be heard and to receive healing, from living most of my life with many basic emotional needs gone unmet or under-acknowledged.

The payoff?  -Feeling spiritually elite and self-righteous as a result of this practice, and most of all not facing or feeling the uncomfortable pain, which robbed me of the opportunity of discharging it through the painful process of honest grieving through acknowledging it, instead of shaming it.

In recovery, I am learning to accept those aches and pains by acknowledging them and meeting them with compassion instead of judgment and self-criticism (usually using Bible verses), and with growing confidence from believing that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity, because I've turned my life and my will over to the care of God, as I understood Him.

I have spent the majority of my Christian life shaming myself for the way I've thought or felt, and tried to diligently pray and shame them away using Scripture -an extremely misguided use of both, but that is what I had in my own personal tool box of coping skills -spiritually and emotionally abusing myself, taking "truths" out of the context of grace, and in the stinging context of shame.  I didn't realize just how dangerous this was, because it felt so damn normal, and even spiritual.

I believe this is what hardened hearts are primarily made of, at least from my own experience.  Layers and layers of shame, gone unchallenged and un-resisted, because it's too painful to go there.  Instead, the needs for healing in the cognitive, emotional, and interpersonal levels were resisted, while my unmet needs in those areas went challenged by operating out of a belief system that resisted accepting those as legit needs, as God-given needs.

Shame is what fuels the hardening of hearts, with the lie that it's protecting the heart.  It is the gasoline that kept my engine running a hundred miles an hour while on the spiritual bypass.  In contrast, it is in the context of empathy and compassion, led by grace and truth - which is the healing ointment for my soul's aches and pains.

I am now learning that the missing link in me receiving this was in the application of giving and receiving this from myself, which was always available from an unlimited source:  God.  I'm the primary one that's blocked its reception from Jesus, out of shame in holding false beliefs for years and years even especially as a Christian.

In recovery, with Jesus Christ as my Higher Power, I'm learning to get it right with myself, for then I'm much better equipped for dealing with humanity and its vast limitations, in real-time.  It helps in preventing me from being as devastated and resentful as I historically have been when others didn't get it right with me, and vice versa.

By cutting out shame from my spiritual diet, I have a far better chance at tolerating loving humanity, including my own, one day at a time.

This Is Me, Like It Or Leave It - really?

My sentiments expressed here are representative of my current reflections, while processing current thoughts I have and sorting through them.  I reserve the right to share my truth of where I'm at, and change it the next day.  I'm on a moving journey through life..  This is a freeze-frame using words indicating where I'm at during the time of writing this post.

"This is me, like it or leave it."
I've heard this said before.  I've heard myself say it or think it before.  Really though?  I would like to challenge this core value that is spoken or held, but often produces more resentment than intimacy in the lives of those who choose to operate from this place.  Is it really about who you are?  Or is it more accurate and truthful to say this is how you are, like it or leave it?  Or even closer to the truth in saying;  "This is how I will treat you, like it or leave it."

There is a subtle but very significant distinction between these statements when you get to the heart behind this.  Saying, "This is me, like it or leave it", is appropriate within the context of factors that are unchangeable.  For instance; my age, race, gender, past, and family of origin...  -these are all parts that make up who I am as a unique individual.

There are definitely more parts of us that make up who we are; our talents, interests, hobbies, the pace at which we process thoughts and feelings.  This is our unique molding which the sum total of them make up our individual personalities.  I cannot become a super outgoing person, who is super laid back and not particular about activities, but rather easily enjoys going anywhere.  Some people could, this would fit well with their personality and there's nothing wrong with that.  That's just not me though, and there's nothing wrong with that either.  This is not compatible with my personality.  I can still choose to do them or be cooperative if asked to do them, but preferring to do it on my own is a different story.

While some of the choices I make reflect my personality, not all of them do.  Many choices reflect my character much more than my personality, and character reflects the current condition/position of my heart and the core values it holds, consciously or sub-consciously.  Each individual living on this planet has their heart on a journey.  They are headed somewhere, even if they aren't aware of where they're headed, they are headed somewhere for sure.  Nobody's heart remains still for long.  In the course of time, my heart is either growing harder and colder, or it's growing softer and warmer - towards myself, others and God.

There is nothing indicative of an unloving or cold heart in saying, "this is me, like it or leave it" when it's said within the context of the unchangeable facets of my makeup (age, race, family of origin, etc).  Even if I didn't like these parts of myself, if I'm going to befriend reality and myself, I need to accept it because I'm powerless to change it.  Likewise, if others chose to be in a relationship with me, then it becomes necessary for them to accept those factors about me, because they are unmalleable.

Now - change the context of where this mindset is operating from to reflect not personality, but character.  Huge difference.

"This is me, like it or leave it."  When this is said (by words or by deeds) within the context of not being willing to change or work on the following:
how I respond to you, 
how I speak to you, 
how I  express my feelings to you, 
how I will handle conflicts with you, 
how I will view you 
and how I will treat you -
..we have a very different story.  A totally different ball game all together.

The different ball game reveals a different heart, a different belief system towards the self and others.  Becoming aware and honest about it is the beginning of change.  Aware, not ashamed.

We are dealing with a heart that is leaning in the direction of becoming less warm and less soft, but rather more cold and more hardened.

Many of us, myself included, have areas in our hearts where we tend to be softer and tend to be more hardened or resistant.  Often the areas where I'm more resistant are areas securely hidden in my blindspots.  I cannot see them without the help of another.  On my own and aside from others, I will clearly see these resistant areas in my heart 0% of the time.  The need for me to be vulnerable with others in my journey towards growth and healing is a non-negotiable.  It is indispensable - period.

Our hearts are on a journey.  The journey I've committed my heart towards is one that has its goal of reflecting more of Jesus Christ, and less of self.  It's a crazy journey I've embarked on.  It's a journey wrought on with much adversity and uphill battles, but it's a journey I've never been called to travel alone in.  It involves great intimacy with my Creator and Savior, Jesus Christ - who never leaves me nor forsakes me.  By the way, I believe it is possible to not leave someone, but forsake them.  You can be physically present, but still forsaking them.

If my relationships and/or friendships with others on this journey are under-girded by the mindset of "This is me, like it or leave it." and isn't indicative of my personality or biological traits, but rather of my character, there is a problem.  A big one.  It cannot be overlooked or underestimated.  It must be confronted and confessed:
to myself,
others in whom I trust,
and to God.

To confront and overcome this mindset, a battle ensues, a spiritual one.  It is often a stronghold.  Denying this supplies the enemy of my soul ammunition to cause much pain in my relationships with others and greatly hinders me from sharing in the blessings from sharing the gospel.

"Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible.  To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews.  To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law.  To those not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law.  To the weak I became weak, to win the weak.  I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some.  I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings."  -1 Corinthians 9:19-23

My mind goes searching for the loopholes and starts asking, "Does this include the people in my life who are already saved by the gospel?  Does this include my family members?  Where am I exempt from operating out of this mindset?"  -Nowhere.

The gospel message isn't something we live for part-time.  We don't put our gospel uniforms on when around certain people and punch into the gospel-clock, then take off our gospel uniforms and live differently for the remainder of the day, at least we're not called to operate like this in my understanding of the New Testament.

Operating out of the mindset Paul had, I think, would benefit the message of the gospel greatly but is often, (at least in the majority of Evangelical American Christian circles), not valued and not practiced.

What if I were to operate from this mindset of Paul's?  The mindset that knows that though I'm a free woman that belongs to no other human, doesn't mean I can then operate from a position that says, "This is me, like it or leave it." 

Quite the contrary - Paul says he became (willingly) a slave to everyone.  Why?  To win as many as possible.  It's a brilliant strategic mindset, one that a soldier would operate from, not a civilian.  

Paul was willing to become all things to all men, so that by all possible means, he might save some.  It was for the sake of the gospel.  And in doing so, his expectation for sharing in its blessings is present, and is consistent with reality.

THAT IS LIVING IN FREEDOM.  When I can willingly become a slave to everyone.  Not a slave in the sense of being abused as a powerless victim.  But in the sense that I'm willing to offer myself up to being USED or of service to God and others, for the sake of the gospel, without feeling like I'm sacrificing something I can't live without (my pride/ego).  For the sake of the gospel, (not in merely intellectually knowing the gospel), but in being SAVED by it (not just my soul from eternal separation, but my relationships from being separated or cut off from peace and intimacy) in being free to actually living free and being saved from a life filled to only please myself -which is true bondage and slavery.  That is the gospel that saves.  I no longer have to hang onto my life and demand that my rights are respected -for THAT is living in slavery.  I don't need that to be free, I already am free.  And I can only do this living in surrender to God, one day at a time, with the help of Him and others in the body of Christ.

Living in surrender to God, I'm pretty sure, doesn't look like me having a "this is me, like it or leave it" attitude because I don't need the approval of others.  I AM free from needing the approval of others, so I can be a slave (be of service or of use to others) without feeling like I'm a slave to others because I know I'm really not, I'm really free.

Operating out of this mindset will greatly increase my possibility of saving some through the gospel message.  I don't need to work at proving to others that I'm free, by showing that I don't care about other people's approval and telling them if they don't like me, they can just leave.

Quite the contrary-
When I'm operating out of truly being free, I can make myself like a slave - for the benefit of the gospel and others - without it hurting my ever so delicate pride and ego.

And that is a blessing.

The difference between this mindset, you could call "people-pleasing" is it's based on love and serving others to that end.  The codependent people-pleasing that I wrote on in a previous post, is based on fear and is primarily self-serving out of that fear as a survival mechanism when operating out of fear.  Doing regular gut-checks and motives-checks is imperative.

Beatitudes - Bon Appetit

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, 
for they will be filled."  -Matthew 5:6

When I hunger for food - I go searching for something to eat.  When I'm thirsty, I'll get water and drink until I'm no longer thirsty.  I'm very grateful that food and water are easily within my reach, that the threat of starvation isn't something I'm facing today - thank God.

Not all which I hunger for is filled, with such little effort on my part though.  The search to fill specific hungers aside from food, require tenacity and persistence on my part.  With the awareness that if I don't find what I'm searching for pain and discomfort ensues, provides a powerful driving force.  This is why in recovery, it's said that pain and desperation are a gift - but it's usually viewed as such retrospectively.

I'm not referring to a hunger for food here, but rather for righteousness.  Both searches involve finding something that exists outside of myself.  I cannot conjure up food on my own, it exists entirely apart from my own self.  Same with righteousness, it's the ability to see life with God's eyes, not my own.  And this exists completely independent of myself.

As the body needs food and water to live, my spirit needs righteousness to be alive, living abundantly.  I'm considering righteousness within this context:

Seeing myself and others aright as defined by God the Creator of reality, not by the patterns of the world- including but not limited to my Christian upbringing, or society's value system (religious or secular).  

Is this the Greek or Hebrew definition of righteousness?  Probably not.  I'm not a Greek or Hebrew scholar, go ask them if that's what you want to know!  Here, I'm just sharing my recent personal take-away, processing this on my blog.  Take what you want, and leave the rest.

What does it look like to hunger and thirst for righteousness?  I've gotten confused between hungering for the appearance of righteousness versus hungering for the fulfillment of righteousness.  When I aim for appearing to be righteous by aiming for certain behaviors, what I really have is self-righteousness because that kind of righteousness is from within. Behaviors become a measurement of righteousness as defined by what I interpret as right.  I don't really need God for that.  There are many people in this world who lead very disciplined lives that function successfully, as is defined by this world (outward achievements) that don't ascribe to following God in the person of Jesus Christ.  I can strive to behave a certain way on my own, though this will lead to self-righteousness.  This keeps me from depending on God.

In order to identify what behaviors to imitate in order to appear righteous before others, I look to people to define what righteousness looks like.  It's often looked like the following:  knowing Bible versus, having regular church attendance, volunteering, not smoking or getting drunk, dressing modestly, not cussing, not listening to certain types of music (nothing wrong with these practices in and of themselves).  If that's my understanding of righteousness then that is what I'll try to accomplish and upon completion of those, I'll feel righteous.  Do these require me to depend on God?  Actually to a certain extent, yes, but only as so far as I need for Him to modify my behaviors.  Living this life of "righteousness" actually rewards me for being a performer or an actress, not the authentic me.  Righteousness is not something that's measured by performance at the cost of authenticity.  For that type of performance we have an over-abundant entertainment industry available to us.  The body of Christ, as I understand it, is here to represent Christ, not the entertainment industry that's based on performing before a fickle human audience.

Performing can be done without requiring my heart and soul (foundation of my character and identity) to be transformed by and surrendered to God, but rather requires me to be good at what I'm doing for God in the sight of other people.  Will trying to practice a certain set of behaviors make me feel or look more righteous? Perhaps.  Not to God though.  People can easily be deceived by outward appearances; not God.  He is not impressed nor deceived by these "righteous" performances, while my heart and character remain unchanged.

Going back to my hunger for food image...

Let's say I'm hungry.  Let's say my house is out of food. What could I do?  I could do nothing and say it's not my fault and blame someone else.  Doing nothing about my dilemma and blaming others will always be an option, no matter what the dilemma is.  The blame could very well be deserved, but that does not solve my problem of being hungry.  I need to take ACTION, or I will starve.  I need to be humble enough to acknowledge my need for food, then go searching for food by taking initiative.  This may include asking for help but whatever it includes, the fact remains - I will starve if I don't find food.

What about when it comes to righteousness?  Seeing myself (past, present and future) aright?  Seeing others aright?  Do I have an appetite for this?  Do I hunger for this?  I may hunger for appearing to be righteous, but not necessarily for being filled by righteousness as I'm referring to here (seeing things as God sees them, in contrast to myself and others).  Will I suffer if I don't search for righteousness the same way I'd continue to suffer if I was hungry and didn't go find food?  Yes, but it isn't a physical manifestation of suffering (at least usually not upfront), rather a spiritual one.  If I experience no pain or discomfort, then why would I get off my butt and put effort into searching for righteousness?  Another note - I won't make the effort in searching for this if I do not believe it can be found.  There is a critical role that faith plays in this pursuit of righteousness -that my pursuit to be filled or satisfied by it isn't in vain.

Seeing my life the way I see it with my own frame of mind has proven to be vanity.  Emptiness.  A chasing after the wind.  I will only repeat mistakes and stumble in sin and affliction when I'm listening to the myopic narrative running through my mind. When I fool myself into thinking that just because I believe in Jesus and know some Bible and go to church regularly, that this gives me righteousness and then believe all or most of my thoughts are consistent with His, I am self-deceived.  I won't go searching for what I falsely believe I already have.

This is where the appetite or hunger for righteousness comes in.  No wonder why Jesus preceded this with brokenness as the path that leads to hungering and thirsting for righteousness:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, 
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled..."  -Matthew 5:3-6

Pain and discomfort drive me to search for righteousness - UNTIL I FIND IT.  That righteousness is something I cannot get on my own.  I need God to provide that.  I'm not talking about salvation here.  I'm more so talking about sanctification or growth.  If I continue to view life defined by my value system and judgments, I won't go searching for His righteousness.  I'll be reluctant to exchange my value system (self-righteousness) for His value system (righteousness that fills).

I realize there are people, Christian or not, who do not hunger and thirst for righteousness.  Some believe they have it already based on operating from their Christian upbringing.  They've minimally if at all, questioned their value system because they were raised in the church.  In my limited but honest observation thus far - this mindset tragically stunts growth and cripples discipleship.  It's good to keep this sobering observation in mind when raising my own children, because they are being raised in the church, and it is my hope and prayer that they won't be blinded because of that, preventing them from hungering and thirsting for a righteousness that fills.

Jesus said what he said in Matthew 5:6 to his disciples not the crowds, so it was assumed the listeners were already following him...

"Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down.  His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them, saying..."  -Matthew 5:1-2

Aren't Jesus' disciples already walking with him?  But are they hungering and thirsting for righteousness that fills?  That is the difference between self-righteousness and God's righteousness.  God's fills, so there is no need to depend on others' approval or fear their disapproval of me in order to be filled.  I need to remind myself of that constantly, because everything else in my value system says to act like I don't care to hide the fact that I need to care because I have nothing else firmly holding me down.  When I'm already filled by God's righteousness, I can see me more clearly, and that fills so I'm not needing or sub-consciously trying to find fulfillment in someone or something else.

I want to be filled by His righteousness.  I don't like feeling hungry, so it drives me to finding what will fill that need.  And just like I need to eat several meals each day, I need to be filled on a regular basis by His righteousness.  I don't eat just one meal until I'm satisfied, to never have to eat again.  The difference is that when I am filled with His righteousness, I don't depend on something else to fill me on the side.

When it comes to righteousness, it requires me to go searching for it, it doesn't find me on its own, just as food and drink don't magically appear before me when I have an appetite for it.  I need to seek it out.  And many times, that search demands that I go out of my way in search of that.  I may need to rearrange all that I thought was true, normal, ordinary and valuable in order to be filled with that righteousness.  And that is a blessed thing.

My search will not be in vain, even though it requires effort...it will not be in vain.  Seeing life in the bigger picture, and in the details as defined by God and operating out of His values is worth the hunger, the thirst and the search.  I will be blessed in this search.  I already have been.  From feeding on the truth and grace that comes from Jesus, my hunger will be filled and I will feast upon that righteousness, I will enjoy its fruits, and may I regularly return to Him for my next meal, one day at a time.

Bon Appetit...

The Pleaser Games

Without being aware of it, I have at times taken it upon myself to manage the moods of other people that seem rather difficult to please.  I've felt it was a worthy accomplishment to earn the approval of people who seem challenging to win approval from.  It doesn't count if nice and sweet people approve of me, for their approval is easy to get.  I couldn't accept their approval without doubt and skepticism.  I've thought: 'how can they so easily like or approve of me without having to work my tail off to earn it?'  I'd then proceed to discredit their approval, going for the affirmation from rather un-affirming types of people.  Receiving their approval felt good, because it came after hard work.  It had to be earned, and also had a high price tag.   Those willing to work so hard for this approval, to the point of compromising their own sense of identify, dignity and sanity, were the most desperate for it..and sadly, has historically, at times been me.

The problem with this modus operandi?  -It often sets me up to work hard for diminishing returns.  

I have a special gift for picking out the most critical, ungracious, shame-based judges in a crowd (birds of a feather flock together).  With tunnel vision I'd go about the task of winning their heard-earned approval.  It was too uncomfortable to sit in my anxiety from the assumption that they didn't approve of me, and that I must receive their approval as a prerequisite for me to be OK with being me.  

People-pleasing.  One of my personal downfalls which has proven to be alive and well in codependent family systems.  These family systems can often appear to have peaceful, civilized and successful families.  Yet, aside from pretense (pretending),  there is a very different picture that emerges..  -A very dysfunctional and broken family that has little, if any tools to operate in truth and grace with one another, particularly in the presence of conflict.

I want out of this former way of life.  It's failed me.  Miserably.

In order to follow through with leaving this way of living and relating behind, I must first be ready to accept some temporary discomfort and anxiety.  I must be OK with the disapproval, even if it's only perceived, from these hard-to-please types of people.  I cannot allow them to occupy my Godspot any longer.  I cannot fear their wrath or judgment (silent, vocal, or imagined).  I must be OK from within, and not have that sense of being OK dependent on others.  ESPECIALLY on those who are more critical and shaming than not, and those whose default is to withhold validation and affirmation, which in my personal experience includes several most people - regular church attenders or not.  Historically, I myself would fit that description and would see no problem with that.  In fact, I'd carry a sense of pride for making it into that category of people  (self-awareness has been a true gift, but has come slowly for me).  

That is changing.  Praise God Almighty--that is changing.

In my beginning stages of exiting this former way of doing life, passed down through generations...-I've noticed a few things:

• When I drop the responsibility of managing other people's moods and perceptions of me by surrendering my people-pleasing agenda, I get 'looks' I immediately interpret as disapproval (whether imagined or not).  I have to be OK within, in order to sit temporarily in that discomfort and not default to people-pleasing as an escape and short-cut to very short-lived peace.  The discomfort will pass. 
• I'm arming myself with new information on other people's character, coming straight from the source (their own behavior).  I'm then able to choose my expectations with them based on their behavior, and not just my wishful thinking.  The behavior of others carries weight when determining my expectations.
• History is always in the making.  Tomorrow's history includes today's events.  I'm always participating in writing my history as long as I've been given the gift of this present moment.  Currently becomes my currency.  
• Choices made today allow me to create a new history for my tomorrow.  My yesterday's errors don't define me and don't have to be on repeat either.  I can make different choices today.
• In opting out of the people-pleasing game, I'm able to connect with people who love and accept me, the real imperfect me.  I'm now in a much better position to connect with others who don't have a propensity to be hyper-critical. On the contrary...they are gracious, loving and accepting, and it shows.  They are either settled or in the process of becoming settled in Who defines them (Who meaning God).  They love without me having to earn it (grace).  I in turn will build relationships with people who reflect more of God and mirror Jesus, in stark contrast with the way the world does love and acceptance (conditional & fickle).  This new way is contagious, it's what I believe humans were created for.  Being drawn to others like this, will in turn draw others who are open to this new way of life to me.  Birds of a feather, flock together.
• I become much less in-secure and much less dependent on trying to accurately read in between the lines, or interpret what the gestures or words of others really mean.  I'm much less preoccupied with how I assume others view me, because it's irrelevant.  If it was relevant, they'd be honest and gracious in sharing that information with me.  Otherwise it's none of my business.  When I'm not preoccupied with trying to mind the business of other people, I have a lot more freedom to show up in  living my own life.

Transformation--it's well worth the cost of admission.  The cost of admission? -willingness.

Dramatic Relationships -?- Shifting Paradigms

A new thought came to my mind the other day while having a great heart to heart discussion with another woman...which has prompted this external contemplating...chewing on this with the teeth on my keyboard...

Is there a component of us that is made for drama?  Drama within relationships?  It sure as hell feels like that with me sometimes.  Sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes it's not.

But..it seems like there is this drive for drama within human relationships..conflict and wrestling through conflict with the one you're in conflict with -or is it just my Korean DNA at work? ;)  The drive or motivation as I personally see it is for the desire or purpose of getting to the next level of intimacy.  Sometimes the only path that seems to land at intimacy is discovered behind the door labeled conflict.  If I didn't care about intimacy in a relationship, if it wasn't something I desired, the conflict would easily be avoided without much second thought.  But...when I care about a relationship being on a certain level of intimacy, anticipating the need to address conflict is often the best indicator that this relationship really matters to me and I want to go deeper in it.  Some of the obstacles I see on my end are often related in one way or another to fear and/or shame.  And it's usually either fear and/or shame that prevents me from initiating an encounter with the other person to address a matter that will bring about conflict, that if shared and received openly and graciously on both ends, will help us cross the bridge to the next level of intimacy within the relationship.

This is a common phenomenon within opposite-sex relationships, at least in my personal observations and experiences thus far.  It seems much more common to have a conversation clarifying the perimeters or expectations of a relationship with a member of the opposite sex (be it a significant-other or a spouse), than it is with someone of the same-sex.  We work on our marriages, but do we work on our same-sex friendships?  True, I'm not in a covenant with them, as in a marriage, but then again...didn't King David and Jonathon enter into a covenant friendship?  "And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself." -1 Samuel 18:3  King David was soon to be a married man after this, with Jonathan's sister (it was a platonic covenant, not sexual).  I don't know about you, but I've personally never even considered covenants within the context of my same-sex friendships, it's not ever been on my to-do list.  But marriage sure was.

As a heterosexual American female, I do not find myself historically having intense conversations with my female friends about where our relationship is, where I see it going and my hopes for it, nearly as often as I have with members of the opposite sex.  And, speaking of personal history here...many of my hang-ups in life have involved a disproportionate dependency on that single relationship with the member of the opposite sex.  I use the word disproportionate because I've had other simultaneous relationships, yet most of them lacked drama, conflict and deeper intimacy.  Those other simultaneous relationships were much more often than not, with my female friends, while the drama was strictly reserved for the opposite-sex relationships.

I wonder if the reason I was so dependent on one single relationship (with opposite sex) at a given time had anything to do with me not allowing myself to experience healthy drama/conflict within my female relationships, which short-circuited me from having a more intimate friendship?  I was more willing to be vulnerable with the opposite-sex, but didn't tend to be so with my girlfriends.  I hid instead.  I usually avoided these conflicts, thinking of them as lame and immature (shame-based thinking).  I've thought: -only schoolgirls fight with their girlfriends or feel hurt by them and go tell them about it. In womanhood, where girls are grown-ups, they just don't get offended by their girlfriends as easily.  They are above and beyond that level of immaturity, right?...hahaha..

Well, perhaps if that means they honestly aren't feeling hurt or disappointed in any of their other relationships particularly with members of the opposite sex.  But as for me, historically speaking, this has not been the case, as much as I wish I could deny that fact, I cannot.  When I get really honest with myself, I can see that I've been somewhat shallow with my female friends, avoiding conflict/confrontations which demands vulnerability, and have carefully placed all those eggs in the basket of opposite-sex relationships, which have caused me to have a disproportional dependency on opposite-sex relationships in meeting my needs and carrying me through life, even as a Christian.

A perfect recipe for resentment.

I'm now entering a brand new chapter in life.

Those schoolgirl relationships were like that because schoolgirls primarily had each other on their radar.  It was before the days when boys came onto the forefront of their radar screens.  Drama, joy and intimacy was experienced and expected within those friendships with other girls, not boys.

Well, I am now a woman.  A grown-up, not a schoolgirl anymore but I find myself longing for those schoolgirl type friendships with other women.  Not the silly conflicts necessarily, but sure...if that is what's part of the package for having close relationships with other women and balancing me out more in my relationship with my husband..then fine.  So be it.  But it's for the purpose of having an intimate relationship, not only reserved for one person of the opposite sex.

No wonder why so many women (and men) in our culture have such a longing for an intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex.  Could it be because that is the only context our culture doesn't get all weird about when there is conflict and drama involved?  Opposite-sex relationship drama/conflict and intimacy sells.  It's glamorized, critiqued and coveted starting at a young age.  And what about same-sex, platonic, dramatic and intimate friendships?  They are mostly brushed to the side.  Most of us don't know how to do those.  They are uncomfortable and cause many to feel awkward and uncomfortable.  But we are all OK with the broken marriages and/or dysfunctional relationships between members of the opposite sex.  Maybe OK isn't the right word, but we don't find it odd or weird.  Nobody (at least that I know of) finds it odd when someone is in tears following a quarrel or conflict with a member of the opposite sex.

A bad fight with a member of the opposite sex that leads to tears?  -NORMAL.
A bad fight with a female friend that leads to tears? -WEIRD.

Is there anything WRONG with our views of normal here??  Dysfunctional marriages are much more "normal" than healthy and intimate platonic friendships with members of the same sex.  And what lies at the core of my obstacles for experiencing those types of relationships?

-Fear and Shame.

When Fear and Shame partner up, they create the perfect incubators for sin (that which separates me from God and His peace), because they function as perfect pockets for isolation from healthy and intimate friendships with members of the same-sex.  And from there..we get tons of perfectly normal, dysfunctional, broken, opposite-sex relationships and marriages...yay for our normal.

Is it just me, or does anyone else see something incredibly disturbing about this?
Even more disturbing is that not many find it disturbing at all, but rather accept it as normal...

The Face of Humility

I have an apparent desire to be in close fellowship with other women who are messed up, but got something going for them that many don't have -humility.  I'm gonna try and coin humility here: being keenly aware of the fact that you're broken and messed up and making that problem yours to find solutions to, while admitting that you need the help of others in order to find this, which will carry you to increasing degrees of glory to glory.

At this very moment, I am keenly aware of the fact that I've got issues.  I just got back from a psychological testing intake appointment, -really?  Yes, really.  I've got issues.  And I want to walk with other women who know they've got issues too.  Normal women are boring to me.  Why?  Because they are coated in intoxicating denial and/or exclusive blaming.  I sometimes portray the boring woman when I step into that mindset, which tends to be my default.

When I come to grips with deeply sensing reality itself, I've then got something to work with.  -Reality.  Fact is, Christian or not, I live in a broken world.  I live in a broken state.  My relationships, my gifts and abilities are not being actualized to their full-potential to serve others and grow myself as a result.  True, I was created for far more than what I actually experience, this side of heaven.  I was created to long and yearn for something that I cannot experience 100% of the time here on earth.  There is a huge.  Huge, oh am I being over-repetitive here?  Good...there is a HUGE chasm between what I personally experience here on earth for most of the time, in contrast to what I was created to long for...

-intimately being known and knowing others and my Creator at a profound level of acceptance and love.

Sometimes I don't think that others (Christian or not) ever come to grips with this reality, this chasm.  I know it's taken me awhile and I'm just now starting to get some of it.  There's this huge gap between our fallen selves living in a fallen world, and what we were lovingly created to long for.  And not coming to grips with this, to me, is a facet of spiritual blindness.  Wake up and smell the sin.  Sin is brewing all around and within.  I'm not saying this as a way to drive you away from God in shame, but as in a way to drive you to God BECAUSE of sin.  Sin is evident that I have a heart beat and am trying to get my longings met without trusting in God to meet them, or demanding He meet them on my terms first.  My sin or struggle with sin (whatever separates me from God-not an act in and of itself) is evidence of a desire, or of a fact that I long for something I'm not fully getting, and am trying to get with other things/people occupying my Godspot.  It is evident that I was created for something else.  Coming to grips with this takes humility.  Learning to grieve over this huge gap between what is and what is meant to be, then surrendering that, trusting this chasm that I am keenly aware of to God, for Him to be overseer of...this is where I will be lifted up, in my surrender.  In the face of my humility, I will be lifted up.

"Grieve, mourn and wail.  Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.  Humble yourself before the Lord, and he will lift you up."  -James 4:9-10