Well, not one of them...this seems to be on a string of days like today. Not feelin it. Not in a very cheery mood today. Just how am I going to manage this summer with having my oldest daughter home from school all day and probably other children to watch as well? I love children, but I also find myself growling at them from time to time. I don't know how them moms or dads can take it, and do it so patiently, graciously and calmly. *sigh*--it's GOT to be an illusion that all other parents do that all the time...oh please let it be an illusion.
I can't wait to start back in school this summer. But then again, I don't want to be too loud and proud about that. I'm not feeling tons of assurance I'll make it. I guess it's fear of history repeating itself when it comes to going back to school. I love to study. I love to read. I love to discuss things with others about what I'm studying or reading. I love writing about things I'm reading and studying. But I don't do too well with always doing it according to someone else's criteria and actually finishing one book from cover to cover without starting on the next venture. I see too many "squirrels" when I'm reading...distractions..distractions..
I guess that's why I'll be majoring in Psychology. At least I'll be studying a topic that's fascinating to me. But still. I've tried going back to school, um how many times now since having children? Umm..well I guess only once. And it wasn't easy. I only took one class and then dropped out feeling defeated and embarrassed. I guess the business-field wasn't a good fit for me after all, didn't take too long to realize that one.
I don't know how people can hold down a job, have several children, run a household AND function sanely all simultaneously without everyone in the household up in arms. Or tears.
I am not one of those people who can take on a lot of things all at once. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can...up to the point of signing myself up for stuff...then....the I think I can's turn into what the hell have I gotten myself into?
Well, stress in life is inevitable. I tell myself, -c'mon, roll with the punches. Sink or swim. But that's just survival. I don't wanna just survive as I live day to day. I want to thrive. I don't want to just go through the motions day in and day out. That ain't abundant life to me. I want to be present as I go through the motions, and enjoying it, knowing I'm making a real difference in this world, even as I go about the mundane daily routines.
So, how much of this falls within my say-so, and how much isn't?
As a human being, I find that I am freakishly powerful, yet I am also freakishly powerless. This seems like such an odd paradox.
I have say-so in what I agree to. I have say-so in what I disagree to, inside and outside of my head. In terms of outside of my head -my time, my words, my finances are a few. But these all begin with either agreements I make inside of my head. Well, right now I feel over my head, inside of my head. Why?
Up tight. High-strung. These are a few adjectives I've heard in reference to me...Obsessive-compulsive tendencies (though not severe enough to be diagnosed as a disorder apparently), impulsive and self-diagnosed ADHD. Well, I guess that's why I'm feeling stressed out right now. Wrap this all into a grocery trip with children playing tag around the grocery cart, a screeching toddler and all the stuff going on inside of my head...and this is what you get.
It's leaving though as I clickety-clack on my keyboard.
Pull out my hair. Vent on the computer. Breathe. Call a friend...adios stress..
Welcome back sanity. So nice of you to come in. Please, take off your coat and do stay awhile.
Later.
