Happy, Light and Fluffy

Recently my posts seem to be on more of the somber and "heavy" side.  I feel like I need to explain and say I'm really a light-hearted person with a silly side too.  I don't always linger in the "heavy" stuff and take all of life day in and day out so dang seriously.  But then I shut-up for a second from playing my own defense attorney against the other side of me, which is apparently being the self-prosecutor..

Welcome to the inside of my head...this is a little snippet of a dialogue taking place internally, whether you wanted that invite or not..ya got one.

This is something I'm trying to be more self-aware or self-conscience about...my thoughts and the ongoing dialogue that goes on in my head...many times between the self-prosecuting attorney and the self-defense attorney.  Very interesting..never a dull moment in my head..

As I clicked the mental pause button from this little episode unfolding internally, and stepped back for a moment to see where the scripts for this crazy play came from...this non-sense actually started making perfect sense, at least to me. 

Certain memories of my family of origin (adoptive) broadcasted (in code of course) several messages growing up regarding emotions, in which I as a child drew logical conclusions about what was acceptable and not in my role within that family.  One of many conclusions I apparently drew based from that family system is that happy, light and fluffy was the way to go.  That was the safest mask to wear.  It didn't really matter how you really felt about things, you must wear your happy-face :)  I learned this because when I wanted to talk about anything that was not perceived as happy, light and fluffy...my parents emotionally and intellectually withdrew.  This was experienced by me as abandonment.  They were physically present, but emotionally and intellectually they fled the scene.  This was either done by them trying to change the subject or by just looking away and being silent, and sitting in what felt like an eternal akwardness...so then I would try and change the subject to get out of it...and the real me would go into hiding.

Thank you Prosecuting Attorney kristen, for doing what you do, and helping me to look past your accusing words and the false shame they bring.  There is in reality, nothing wrong with being a deep thinker and a deep feeler.  I am learning to walk into a very new reality, and that reality's address is in my own skin, and learning to be comfortable being in my own skin, and resisting the compulsive feeling that I need to go into hiding in order to be comfortable..what irony, what bondage that has been...to not feel comfortable being in my own skin.  And I will be continually making myself at home right here...in my own skin, without the pretty little mask of "happy, light and fluffy".  There are several other masks I will need to peel off, and the Prosecuting Attorney part of me will only play the role of servitude in a means to that end...for freedom, not bondage.

I am the CEO in this on-going board meeting that takes place in my head, and there is but One above me as far as I need to be concerned, and that is Christ.  And any argument that comes up against that must fall into ranks.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."  - Corinthians 10:5