Parenting - "Disciplinary" Mindsets that Emotionally Constipate

From this Amateur's perspective---

As parents, when you and I sub-conscientiously believe that our children's behavior and conduct is tied to our own sense of personal success or failure as people, and try to hang our identity on that peg, will in turn demand a polished image of our children. This is a damaging, but initially invisible phenomenon.  For it trumps your child's emotional well being and greatly handicaps their ability to foster, initiate, reciprocate, maintain and enjoy the risks and rewards of having ongoing intimate relationships with others in their lives.

In forbidding or discouraging our children in expressing their feelings, thoughts, intellectual objections with us, through blatant or subtle shame and ridicule, we emotionally constipate them and the effects are, in my observation, played out in their struggle (whether it's admitted to or not)  in developing and maintaing these intimate relationships as adults.  It is a silent arrow, an invisible wound that this mind-set delivers, and it's rampant in our culture, and I'd argue, even more so within religious/church circles.

I am not guilt-free when it comes to this.  I have struggled greatly to not feel embarrassed by my child's unruly behavior, and then to discipline more harshly to achieve the goal of making me look good towards outsiders.  Tragic idolatry.  I can only speak for myself but I, like many in our world I believe, was raised in an environment that did not foster a feeling of openness or safety when it came to expressing emotions other than "happy" emotions.  So, I could easily play the "victim card".  But that just further wounds myself and cripples my path to recovery and growth, which in turn, will surely be passed down to the next generation, and the next, and the next...  The cycle must stop. I want it to stop.  And it must stop with me first, by admitting it, and taking an honest assessment of how I view my authoritative role as a parent.  Noticing my own behavior within this role will give me helpful information.

Having to live with the later affects of children who have undergone such harsh and rigid emotionally constipating home environments angers me.  It's so emotionally stunting and it stinks to high heaven.  It's a cunning strategy of the enemy to fool parents into thinking that raising children in these homes that are hyper concerned with image and the outward appearance of the family by only tweeking behavior, and disregarding the heart of a child in the process of wanting to raise polished children is a stronghold I see in the church and in many family-sub-cultures.  I married into one also, but it has a spiritual veneer...yuck.  This is my own personal opinion, which I reserve the right to change as I myself hopefully change in my walk along this path on earth.  But this is where I'm at right now.  And that is ok with me, just so long as I don't stay where I'm at for long...

Peace out  >>>>>>=======/////////========>>>>>>>>>>