If anyone is going to mess up my life, let it be me and only me. If anyone is going to enjoy the good fruit of my wise choices, or the crap from my unwise choices, let it be me. Back off, let me ruin my life on my own, or let me enjoy my life on my own. -From my own choices, I either stand or fall.
I'm taking my life back. Consider this a lamentation of things lost, from years ago. I tend to take things very literally, and the heart behind my words here should be taken seriously but not out of context. The message is for me and for those who have or who are coming out of a realization that they've allowed themselves to be spiritually discipled or mentored by extremely controlling/manipulative people in which they trusted. In my case, this was in my opinion, one of the most dangerous, for it was of a spiritual nature, and this happened about 10 years ago, and I'm just now sensing the gravity of this mentoring relationship I had with a woman who was my spiritual mentor, when in fact, she was more of a spiritual meddler.
When I come to you and ask for your advice or your opinion, that is exactly what that is. Your (a mere mortal human being's) advice or opinion. It is not God's. Even if you have a long-standing relationship with God, then you of all people should know that you are not the Holy Spirit, you do not have more of an exclusive access to the Holy Spirit, you do not have backstage passes to God. I will take into sincere consideration, your opinions and feedback, but in the end, it's between me and God, not between me and you. If you take it personally that I do not take your advice or agree with the majority of your strong opinions on non-moral issues, and then start to wonder or hint at me being in the flesh because of it, then you'd better check YOURSELF, not me.
Let me be clear on this, anyone who's met me and walked closely with me knows this facet of my heart...I welcome perspectives from others who have different backgrounds and different ways of seeing things, to a certain extent (for example I won't waste time with someone introducing blatant absurd ideas, like that they are God for instance). But within that area of non-absurd ideas, I may sharply debate them, but before I can debate them, I must hear them out, and usually I do this because I've sought it out. And usually I engage in debating them because I feel the need to go down a logical/intellectual checklist in my mind before accepting something, and to get to that point, I need to intellectually have a wrestling match with ideas or concepts being introduced, and I usually welcome it. It's engaging and it's a form of iron sharpening iron...I heart it. Yes, there is tons of benefit in hearing the insights and thoughts of others in the body of Christ. But the subtle danger comes when these get confused with being God's, over and above my own convictions on areas that are not in black and white areas according to Scripture.
If you are asked or feel "led" to come alongside a young Christian or a new believer's side, or even in a seasoned Christian's life to speak into their life, then know that you will be held to a greater level of accountability for what you impart into them than you may realize. (Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. -James 3:1)
At the drop of a hat, when my spiritual mentor steered me into making some life-altering decisions, I feared not following her counsel, I feared God wouldn't bless me because I was acting out of my ignorance, immaturity or flesh. So these are some of the choices I made due to her counsel...I dropped out of a master's degree program for Acupuncture, I moved out of the place I was living in and returned home and paid rent to my parents for living at home, I got a job and forsook pursuing my education, I left a small group where I was building relationships with others, I did not go on a mission's trip to Taiwan when I had the funds and desire to go, I did not walk away from a relationship I felt God was calling me to, and I quit wearing make-up. Ok, so maybe my decision to quit wearing make-up wasn't a life-altering decision, but it was also influenced by this relationship. Then, when I got married, the mentoring relationship seemed to dissolve, but similar dynamics and patterns seemed to play out in other relationships.
Now, I am struggling in my marriage, have no college degree, and am pissed. I will not stay in this pissed stage for good. But I know that walking through this pissed stage to get to the non-pissed stage is important. Grieving. I seem to be walking through a lot of that lately. Grieving, it has pretty much been foreign to me, and now I'm dealing with it on so many levels. And anger, I believe is the second stage of the grief process, and yes, I know they cycle in and out, but that is where I'm at right now with this part.
Thank you blog that I can go to you to process stuff with. How sad, that I feel you are a substitute for a real life person, that I have this blog. But you my dear blog, are not a person, you do not have flesh and blood, though I pray that God would still use you in whatever capacity He wants, for whatever purpose...because I know that you are bridge to those who have actual flesh and blood that I cannot reach on my own...
No comments:
Post a Comment