Love is something that is so rare, yet so so frequently misrepresented, misunderstood, mistaken, and misconstrued for something it's not, yet is a cheap imitation of. As I struggle to define love and it's application in life's most treasured relationships, it's a life-long journey to living in it and abiding in it, and possibly redefining or fine-tuning how it lives and breathes in my life and is reflected in my relationships with others.
So, where does one go to try and define such a complex yet simplistic and longed for attribute as love? TV? Magazines? Friends? The movies? If that were the case, then why is it so difficult to define? Is it really arbitrary? Is it really subjective, or are there indeed universal objectifying realities when it comes to defining love?
I am one to consider myself a Christian who doesn't look to the world, even the "religious" or Christian world or church to necessarily define something like love, I immediately in my mind go to Scripture. Many are familiar with the "love chapter" in the Bible, yet for once, I'd like to dissect it and meditate deeply on it as I'm able.
Before Scripture describes what love is and even more so; what love is not...it first lays the foundation for how foundational love in fact is. For without love in our relating with others, we are just making noise that amounts to nothing and gains absolutely nothing. For if we have relationships that are dysfunctional, we probably have relationships that have dysfunctional foundations, where love as defined by Scripture is not the absolute basis of the purpose for the relationship and how we choose to relate or not relate to those we are in a relationship with, we may think or be fooled that it is, yet we must look with all honesty and no shame, but with truth what our foundations really consist of. Are they made out of fancy plastic imitations of love, or are they rock solid immovable true foundations of love as defined by Scripture? Even if the latter is found to be the case, I don't believe that guarantees a smooth relationship with no bumps and bruises. For that is real life, in real life, we get hurt, we get disappointed and we in turn, hurt others and disappoint others; but I believe that if the foundation is rock solid, if it is love as defined by Scripture; the relationship will not collapse due to them. On the contrary, I believe that as these storms come and the relationship endures on the steady foundation; the relationship will only grow stronger and more solid itself. There will be more mutuality, more connections, more initimacy at all levels; emotionally, physically and spiritually. It will not be a reversion to something worse off, or be stagnate, the conflict and storms will only strengthen the relationship.
Let me first clarify that the relationships I'm mostly referring to here are relationships in which we CHOOSE to be in, or choose to continue to be in. For example, we did not choose our families we were born into or adopted into, but as adults, we are able to choose to either continue on in a certain relationship, or not. In marriage (at least in most of the Western Hemisphere) most of these people have made the choice to be, to commit to a marriage relationship. This is primarily the relationship I am referring to here; marriage.
So, here it is from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love is patient, love is kind. I recall the King James Version often using "long-suffering" in place of patient. There is a huge difference between being patient and being passive. My thoughts on patience is waiting; even while it's uncomfortable and even while it hurts, yet not growing resentful while you wait. It's waiting with an attitude that does not push, manipulate, or blame someone else (either openly or covertly) for your waiting or suffering; you do not hold a grudge against someone while you wait. It's waiting without complaining or accusing. Being patient is also not to be confused with being silent or inactive. Being patient is a disposition of one's heart while one waits. You can wait patiently while you weep, while you make phone calls, visits, share concerns, and while you interact with someone and connect with someone; yet you're heart of hearts does not hold anyone in contempt while you suffer/wait. The best example I can think or right now is an expectant mother waiting to meet her new baby. It's probably because I can relate to this first hand right now! While I'm in the waiting period, it's tough. It feels long and it can be absolutely physically draining and distressing as my body adjusts to growing this baby during the months in preceding the birth, and even the long hours of the most painful toil of labor and birth that cannot be rushed...yet the mother waits and absolutely falls in love with the baby that her body has gone to great pains, long and short to bring about into the world. She does not hold this baby in contempt; even though that is why she has sufferred and endured the pain. She does not grow bitter towards the baby for the time in which it takes to be pregnant and to give birth. She welcomes that baby into her arms with great love and acceptance, despite what her body and emotions have been through the past long months, and what awaits for the next few months of caring for an infant. It's worth it and the baby is loved no matter what the cost was of the mother, which was high.
It is also kind; this kindness isn't conditional. It isn't kind to only be kind to you, if you are kind to me. No, that is not how love operates, if that is how you or I are operating; it does not stem from love, rather it stems from a self-centered myopic view of equality. Love and equality cannot equate with one another. Love is kind, even when it's undeserving, especially when it's undeserving..that is a hallmark of love. The Hero's of love are kind to the wicked and undeserving as God is kind to us who are often wicked and for certain; undeserving. It does not mean you avoid one who is mistreating you and mistaking that for being kind. It simply means you will not respond with wrong for wrong, for that is operating out of that self-centered equality. A kind response to being mistreated is not avoidance, it is being truthful and honest for the sake of reconciliation, it's a honest rebuke done out of love for the sake of saving or fighting for a relationship, not to be confused with fighting for or saving your agenda or individual rights to feel right. For as the Scripture will soon mention; love perseveres, this assumes there will be challenges, conflict and storms, other wise there would be not need to mention that love perseveres. Avoiding and persevering are antithetical to one another, they sharply contradict each other.
Well, this is all I have time for now; for my lovely daughter has been playing well on her own while her mommy types away on the computer, but I want to play with her now! More to come later..
