My Tuesday Morning

Today I had my first appointment with a new therapist.  I'm feeling very optimistic towards my work with this lady.

It started off with me getting there almost 20 minutes late.  If you know me, I HATE being late.  If I'm on time, I consider myself almost late.  I'm a bit obsessive-compulsive when it comes to punctuality.  One of my little qwirks.  I got completely lost, thanks to my iPhone maps app and Mapquest.  The appointment started with the therapist calling me on my cell phone wondering if I was running late because I was lost.  This was right after I got off the phone leaving a not so sweet message on the voicemail with the "front desk".  Well, apparently there is no front desk and there is no full time office staff.  This is totally a private practice, not a clinical setting with office staff running the clinic.  Opps.  In my defense, I've never been a client of any provider that works out of a private practice, so I thought the front desk people were being slackers and not answering the phones, and it was costing me my appointment.  Another one of my many flaws, I make assumptions based on my limited scope of experience, but in the height of my frustrations, I don't stop and think I could possibly be totally wrong.

So we started this appointment off with me being very late and a little snappy at her staff not answering my phone calls, and discovering there was no full time staff.  I walked into this office building, and the therapist's door was open, and I walked right in and sat down on her couch.  Weird, I thought.  I didn't even need to check in.  I like this though.  But I felt a little stupid and embarrassed for my attitude that I started with this new adventure.  Opps.  Well, she was very gracious and understanding as I explained by assumptions.

We got to talking about my background.  It was a basic Intake appointment, getting all my basic background information and what brought me into therapy.  Well...hahaha...too many things to start with.  She was asking me questions about my history.  I started asking her questions about herself.  I found out she is a mother of 3.  Two out of her three children are adopted from India.  She is a clinical social worker who has also worked in an adoption agency, so she's gotten to see two sides of this thing called adoption.  She has lots of experience and interest in international adoption.  Wow.  I had no idea.  I told her I was adopted from South Korea.  She asked me what I knew of what happened in Korea before I came.  She asked me what my adoptive family dynamics are like.  I felt very comfortable talking with her.  I think I'm really gonna like this.  And this all happened about 30 minutes after me cussing up a storm in my minivan as I was totally lost but only about 1/2 a mile away and about to just "eff this whole thing", and quite.  Well, I'm glad I didn't.

My new therapist is not a Christian counselor.  She respects and works with people wherever they are at with regards to their faith, or lack of one.  She mentioned to me towards the end of the appointment that she was glad I had this faith and that she can see it's saved me from a ton of stuff.  She almost seemed surprised that I'm not a whole lot more messed up than I am, and she accredited to this faith I have.  Wow.  That's to God's doing only.  But there is a ton of work ahead.  A lot of plowing through.  And the means to plowing through and moving forward in life is being able to plow through and dig up past events.  I thought I've done all that, but there's more I guess.

One of the questions she asked me really stumped me.  I couldn't for the life of me find an answer.  She had asked who it was that I was closest to growing up and felt safe with and had a significant relationship with.  It could have been a parent, a friend, a grandparent, a relative, a coach, a neighbor, a teacher or a pet dog.  I kept trying to answer her question with more questions.  I didn't understand what she meant.  Then...it kinda hit me, something I've always kinda felt and suspected.  -Nobody.  The closest thing I could think of was a string of boyfriends I had going through my teenage and young adult years.  So I guess I just hopped around trying to find that one significant "somebody" through boyfriends, but never really did.  Then I got married, and am experiencing a familiar feeling of this detachment.  I don't know about that one..or do I?  Anyways, one thing she said is that we need to get Kristen strong and secure in being Kristen, while not needing to attach or find that outside of Kristen.  I guess that is a completely appropriate and healthy thing for a child to do and that a child needs in order to thrive in their environment..a secure nurturing attachment, an anchor in at least one relationship.  But Kristen is no longer a child.  She is an adult.  Hmmm....and this is without the spiritual jargon.  Hmmm...

I've always considered myself a fighter.  There are two ways of dealing with life's conflicts when they're dished out, either self-inflicted or not.  And that's fight or flight.  And I've always, with pride, considered myself to be a fighter.  I fight for the things that matter to me.  I fight for the relationships that I value, and I don't give up easily, I don't give up without a good fight.  And I think in many respects that is true about me.  Accept one thing...myself.

Have I abandoned myself and instead of fighting for myself, I've done the flight thing?  Have I tried to escape my own stuff by hiding in relationships with others, namely with a guy?  And when that doesn't seem to work, I just feel I need another guy?  I think there might be something to this, it's been happening on a sub-conscience level, a primal survival mechanism?  But in the meantime, I'm running away from myself.  I'm running away from being alone, and sitting in that.  Why can't I stand being alone?  I mean I love my alone time.  That's why I'm enjoying this very minute as I type up this blog entry...my alone time.  But I don't live alone, or do I?  I've often found myself in relationships with others...feeling alone.  Hmmm...I don't know what the heck I'm talking about here...or do I?

Ok...blah blah blah...I'm rambling here for absolutely no focused purpose but to just rattle on...

Laterzz~~

My Intro Notes from "Loving What Is"

I've only begun a book that is incredible.  I hope I won't get into trouble for plagiarism.  I've only read the free sample so far, so I'm quoting from things that are available to you without purchase.  And if anything, this is a promo for the book -go buy it and read it for yourself!

Anyways, I'm reading "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie at the recommendation of a dear friend.  A-MAZING.  From only reading the intro from the sample, I've jotted down my own notes and footnotes and thoughts and this is what I've got so far.  I hope you can draw something beneficial from this and apply it to wherever you find yourself in life.  If not, just leave it here.  You don't have to agree with my theories or opinions.  I'm ok with that.  Really, I am.  Sometimes I find myself reading back to my previous posts I've written and seeing how I've personally grown and changed...that's ok.  It's a journey.  And I'm just sharing with you where I'm at now on that path, just in case and in hopes it could help out another fellow human being on the path.  So, take it or leave it.  You know your story more than anyone else.

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The Four Questions - The Work - The Inquiry based from "Loving What Is" -my notes..

Where are you lying to yourself? - welcome persistence, welcome inquiry - trust the work, this is from writing out statements about how we feel about whatever, any given subject, person or circumstance.

1.) "Is it true?" - "shoulds" are not the same as truths, they often keep us locked up from dealing with WHAT IS --> Reality. The "shoulds" are opinions/judgments that lead to expectations. They are different than truths, or WHAT IS (reality).

My footnotes (not in the book) - This is from eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. It's feeding off of lies. Off of the "shoulds" based on this knowledge of good and evil, that was forbidden for us to have in the first place. But we eat from this, we feed off of the "shoulds" which are judgments. For when we eat of it, we will surely die. Not because we are being naughty and God wants to punish us for our sins. But because we were not created to NEED that knowledge in order to live. We were not created with the need to live out of our own judgments and constantly assessing things and judging things. There is a place for this now, but it's because now, since we ate from that tree and sin entered into the world, there is a basis for this. Why? Because we cannot trust with abandon, or at least this is very difficult in our fallen state. We have broken that perfect union with God, and have placed ourselves in that place, of knowing good and evil, apart from trusting God. We were never meant to live in a world where the "shoulds" are a burden because of the unatainablility or the unsustainablity of living and walking in the "shoulds"..because of sin.

2.) "Can you absolutely know that it's true?"  Is it what's actually happening, or is it what you think should be happening? -there's a difference.  Truth is dealing with what's actually happening, not our opinion of what's happening.

3.) "How do you react when you think that thought?" - You don't need to rehearse giving perfect sounding answers. I'm not after perfection, I'm after honesty. I always have the option open to keeping my thoughts, however beneficial or detrimental they are, I can keep them. Getting behind the thought and following through an an investigative role reveals to me whether or not I will WANT to keep that thought (I am free to choose). Remember, "What's true is always what's happening, not the story about what SHOULD be happening." It's dealing with the facts of what is happening, not the thought of what SHOULD be happening -this point is important to keep in mind.

-Added question when further investigation is warranted: "Can you see a reason to drop the thought? This thought could be a belief or an expectation. I'm not being asked to drop my story. Get clear on this..-I can keep my story. I can keep my thoughts. This is not about getting rid of thoughts or about overcoming, improving, or surrendering them. None of that. This is about realizing for yourself, internal cause and effect. The question is simply, "can you see a reason to drop this thought?" or "Can you find a stress-free reason to keep this thought?" -this statement, which you thought was truth but was actually a should, which is a judgment that's coupled with an expectation...Can you find a stress-free reason to keep this thought?

My footnote - This is the essence of eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The lie is that you think you're getting what you're after (knowledge of good and evil). But there was a reason why Adam and Eve were commanded not to eat from this tree..."for if you eat of it you will surely die." -Gen 2:17. Why would it kill them? -Because they were not created to receive it...it was in reality -poison. Poison to their souls. They did not surely die. The serpent was right in a sense, they would not surely die. But he completely missed the heart of the warning...the warning was in regards to their very hearts, or their souls, for we are far more than just physical matter. They ate, they kept living. They did not physically die. They spiritually died. The spiritual death that resulted from eating the spiritual poison was because God did not create them to be compatible with obtaining this knowledge of good and evil. So we THINK we have this knowledge and that we're better off with it. To the extent that we judge and believe our judgments without ever questioning these judgments...we live or die, we suffer or thrive. The fact that we NEED to question our own judgments proves the fact that our own judgments are indeed faulty. And the fact that one believes they never have to question their own judgments or thoughts -they are tragically deceived!

4.) "Who would you be without that thought?" or in my own words, "how would you feel without that thought (judgment/conclusion/belief)? Picture it. Envision it. Walk it out. Are you more free or are you more of a prisoner?

My footnote - The fact that we need to do this work, this inquisition of our internal cause and effect processing goes to show that there is something wrong with our thinking to such a core level that it requires so much conscious effort to do this. We are THAT screwed up. We are THAT damaged! What would happen if you drank kerosene? Is your digestive system equipped to deal with that without seriously harming itself? -Hell no! Just like the knowledge of good and evil isn't inherently bad in and of itself. It's just that as humans, who are designed and wired to be fully and beautifully dependent upon our Creator..we were not designed to NEED that knowledge or to process that knowledge if we got it. Only God is! An airplane jet engine runs smoothly with kerosene pumping through its system. But a human would not!

God works beautifully having that knowledge of good and evil. But humans do not! This is why this work of renewing our minds is necessary...because our minds have eaten that poison from eating from the knowledge of good and evil. With sin, we need to discern and judge right from wrong. But that need is precisely BECAUSE of sin. It's BECAUSE we ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil in the first place that we now need to be able to discern right from wrong. If there wasn't ever any eating from that tree, there would be no sin, therefore there would be no need to have to discern right from wrong! But now we have to be leery of our own press releases (beliefs/conclusions/judgments) that are announced in our brains by our brains! Because all of our thinking is screwed up from eating from that tree of the knowledge of good and evil!!


For those who are familiar with Christ-Life or The Ultimate Journey, this is a very similar line of thought, but with a "secular" twist.  You don't need to have an extensive theological background to get to the bottom of your thoughts and decide if you want to keep them or not.

The most dangerous things in the world are our own uninvestigated beliefs and thoughts which form the concepts and basis of how we relate to ourselves and others. Every single terrorist or abuser never investigated their own thoughts and questioned their thoughts.  Or if they did, they didn't do it with a reference point of truth or reality and accept it to the point of exchanging it.  Yeah, I've been guilty of that one, as we all are.  THAT can be a dangerous thing.  But it doesn't have to be that way.  And it starts with loving what is...what is real and what is true, not rejecting it because of the "shoulds", but loving it...that is where it all starts.

Journey on Purpose

I've been told that if you yourself are unhappy and un-whole and bring this to a relationship, you will only have a unhappy and unwhole or empty relationship.

While I do believe there is a significant element of truth and insight here, I also have a few questions to challenge the cut and dry approach to this concept.

Yes, if I am going to my relationships and looking for my identity, because I do not know who I am, and so go looking outside of myself and into a relationship, this is a recipe for heartache.  But at the same time, I do believe that to a certain degree, we will only see in part of who really are this side of heaven.  Different degrees of glory.  We are human.  We are fallen.  We are in a fallen state of reality at this present time.  To fully know who you are is a lifelong journey, an adventure that we choose to embark on during this life on earth.  We grow into knowing more of who we are as we seek that out.  But to think that there is a certain level where I can arrive at in my knowing of myself and being whole and happy with that, and believing this is a guaranteed pre-requisite for a happy and fulfilling relationship (ie. marriage), I'm not sure I totally understand like I thought I once did.

I think the same could be said for this being the reason why people stay in certain relationships, and these relationships turn into ambivalent relationships.  Because I do not know who I am to a satisfying degree, and because I'm not okay with sitting in that and responding in that (my searching and growing), so I hide in my ambivalent relationship, even though it's empty.  This could be said for why people remain in cold, distant and disconnected relationships.  Not because they are healthy and whole, but rather because they hide from that journey, and they find their relationship serves that purpose.  Usually for this to work though, it has to be a mutual thing..takes two to tango, and it takes two to mango.

Why?  If one is unhappy and finds a relationship to be empty and distant, does that necessarily mean that this individual is unhappy, empty and distant?  I do not think so, perhaps, but not always.  Could it be that it may also mean that this person is embarked on a journey of growth, healing and discovery and that part of this journey is greatly harmed or hindered because of remaining as is?  Perhaps...I cannot answer that and I'm looking for the answer myself.  All I know is that we are all on a journey to somewhere.  Even if you are hiding and not actively steering the wheel, you are on a journey to somewhere, you are just forfeiting your ability to participate in the adventure.  But we are all moving somewhere, and the scariest of all the journeys are those that have closed their eyes and forfeited their choice in directing it somewhere on purpose.

May that not be me, ever.  At least may that not ever be my default, but rather, may I journey on purpose.

Sexual Healing

-WORD.

Fall Apart (Slideshow with Lyrics)

Another Good Quote

"In recovery, the good news is that you get your feelings back. The bad news: you get your feelings back. Unfamiliar fear can be frightening." - Nate Larkin via HootSuite


So true. So. So. So true.

Out of The Cacoon - Into the World

I'm going to intentionally seek counsel from outside the church, or outside of the confines of my familiar Christian circles/communities.  A portion of this is actually a result of being nudged to do this from a trusted Christian therapist...he trusts me and God to work it out.  If this frightens you as much as it does me, then perhaps you should answer the same question I'm asking myself - Why?

If I persist in fearing my spiritual development being negatively impacted or contaminated by those outside of the Christian community because I ascribe spiritual health to dogma only, then is it an actual Person I'm trusting, or a dogma?  This is exactly how the Pharisees and experts of the law in Jesus' days missed Him and His message.  They were offended by Jesus because of their dogma.

If I continue to do this, I'll seek feedback and advice from Christians only and I believe I will be cutting myself short.  There is definitely a time and place for this, but like all things related to growth (which is what discipleship is) there is a season to branch out beyond my comfort-zone, and trust in the True Vine as well as the Gardener (John 15: 1-2) to prune me as I expand.

When I did exclusively get advice and opinions, it only had weight if the person agreed with orthodox Christian dogma.  It was necessary for me at the time, just as it's necessary for an infant to be around their mother much more to create a trusting bond at first, but there is a limit to the fruit of this as well because of the prolonged dependency that can get fostered, and then the fear of being stretched grows bigger and bigger.  Eventually, an infant will venture outside of the mother's arms to get its needs met for growth and development.  If not, physical growth and development take place, but emotionally the young adolescent is at high-risk for keeping herself in a perpetual stage of spiritual immaturity and dependency on others when it comes to gaining discernment for her life outside of others.  I am finding myself experiencing a false sense of security when I hear Christians telling me their opinions.  I think to myself, "they have the Holy Spirit, they are in a relationship with God, they pray, they know Scripture and want to live according to God's will, therefore, I can just follow their advice without having to exercise much discernment."  Not so.

This is shifting..
There is a sacre sitting.

In order to mature and tone up my own spiritual discernment muscles, I need to be in situations where I'm consensually FORCED with the need to do this for myself.  I think we who are in America where the religion of Christianity is a "norm" and not at all a minority group (like if we were living in Turkey or Thailand) get spoiled. We can easily run from the "secular" world into our many churches, Bible studies, seminaries, etc. and stay there for cover, and have that discernment muscle get sorely out of shape.  I'm speaking from my own experience and observations here. 

This has caused me to have my discernment radar down when I'm getting advice from other "wiser" Christians.  I mistakenly rationalized that because I was in the company of Bible and Jesus loving Christians, it negating the necessity for me to have my own discernment about what was said.  My discernment muscle got less and less used, so it got flabby.   This did not mean I should listen to these people without using my own discernment and learning to trust God's ability to speak to me through WHATEVER avenues, including the secular ones, but I took it be as such, and got burned.

I can trust that He is big enough to cover over my humanity and my best efforts to discern His voice for any given area in my life, even especially when I don't do it perfectly every time.  To remain ONLY in the company of Christians, I've fallen into the trap of getting complacent and not using discernment and depending on God, and instead to just follow what they say, especially when what they say is sprinkled with a few Bible verses.  This also, I'm beginning to realize, keeps me in this nasty seductive victim role when things don't go well, I can just blame them!

I realize that bad company can corrupt good character, and that I'm not above being influenced by other's values that contradict mine or Scripture's.  But my closest friends are not bad company.  I am not dumping all opinions that come from Christians, I'm just willing to consider opinions from those outside the realm of church and seek them out.  Recently, I've come into short contact with some pretty amazing people, who though they are not claiming to be Christians, they have more self-awareness, honesty and maturity than many Christians.  They seem to reflect more acceptance and less judgment than the average Christian Jo Shmo, including myself.  For whatever reason, I seem to feel more safe with them in some respects because of this quality. 

I can learn to do what Jesus did, and what He continues to do, meet people where they're at.  He doesn't mandate any pre-requisites for being in relationship with Him.  He met the tax collectors, the prostitutes, the demon-possessed and the experts of the law wherever they were at and in whatever degree they sought Him out in.

Consider Nicodemus.  He was a member of the Jewish ruling council (John 3) and he came to Jesus at night to seek answers for questions he was wrestling with.  And Jesus met him there.  Even though these experts/teachers of the law where the recipients of THE most critical and harshest words of Jesus (Matthew 23), He met one of them (Nicodemus) where he was at, even though it was at night, in the dark, and hidden.  He didn't shame him, he didn't send him away with a critique of his life.  On the contrary.  He answered his tough questions.  In fact, this is where Jesus give the infamous gospel in a nutshell..to Nicodemus at night, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16).  I believe Jesus does not want or desire for Nicodemus to continue to follow him in the dark at night, but this, nonetheless, is where Jesus met him..for at the point, it was where Nicodemus was at, it was where he felt safe seeking out Jesus at that point, and He met him there with words of truth and revelation..not with silence.

He meets us where we're at, or else He would never meet us at all.  For we're only brought OUT of where we're at by His meeting us there.  That is the history of Grace, still repeating itself.

Tears For Fears - "Everybody Wants To Rule The World" - ORIGINAL VIDEO

"Welcome to your life
There's no turning back
Even while we sleep
We will find you
Acting on your best behavior
Turn your back on mother nature
Everybody wants to rule the world

It's my own design
It's my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help me make the most of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world

There's a room where the light won't find you
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down
When they do I'll be right behind you
So glad we've almost made it
So sad they had to fade it
Everybody wants to rule the world

I can't stand this indecision
Married with a lack of vision
Everybody wants to rule the world
Say that you'll never never never never need it

One headline why believe it?
Everybody wants to rule the world
All for freedom and for pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world"

What this song means to me right now...
There is a choice to be made - help me make the most out of freedom and pleasure. If I choose first pleasure, then freedom is forsaken.  If I want to make the most of BOTH freedom and pleasure, I must forsake some temporary pleasure for the sake of making the most out of freedom, which is true pleasure. The 80's rock..

Handcuffs Please

There are some illnesses which cannot be cured, but rather arrested.  Many of these come in the form of addictions.  Many of these are rooted in childhood trauma.  How can you go back in time and change what's already been done?  You can't.  There isn't a cure for addiction and their afflictions that arises from childhood trauma.  They do not have to run and ruin your life though.  They may not be cured, and the driving force behind those can't be erased, but I'm just beginning to see hope, in that the degree of power and force they contain which controls your life CAN be arrested.

Handcuffs are sometimes good.  I'm only in the beginning phases of finding comfort in this, but before that comfort is mine, I must go through some major discomfort...because freedom doesn't come free of suffering.

Good Quote

I had to share this, I liked it that much...

"God usually speaks to me through others—which doesn't mean that others usually speak for God. They usually speak for their own damn selves." - Nate Larkin via HootSuite