Okay, so I had a good talk with my husband regarding this stuff last night. We agreed that this issue is not cut and dry. We agreed that we both should be consistent in our expectations of how our child should conduct herself, and with disciplining...the parent needs to take into an account several things such as; their own temperment in how to respond in that moment, the child's temperment, the environment and of course any phsical health issues, to name a few.
The expectations and standards should remain consistent, but in the exact way it's dealt with (the method or the consequence that follows disobedience) doesn't necessarily need to follow some sort of formula...it depends on the previously mentioned variables.
So, in short...we don't necessarily think that all spanking is evil or counterproductive, if it is done in the spirit of love and self-control from the parent...and NOT in any way shape or form done in a spirit of anger and retribution. This should also be accompanied by 'a talk' and teaching the child the cause and effect of good choices and bad choices. This is all much easier said than done...
that's all for now on this...
Monday, December 22, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
random stuff about Parental discipline...new thoughts in my head
Okay, I'm going to make an attempt in approaching some new thoughts flying around in my head. In no way are these thoughts solidified; I'm in the process of beginning to question some views or positions based on some of my understandings, and now I believe possible misunderstandings regarding this issue of parenting/disciplining. If they are not misunderstandings I hold, then when I'm done with this thought process, I hope I'll be more grounded and a little less confused on some gray areas. This whole process is called growth. If we NEVER are able to question why we believe what we believe, and why we do what we do based on those beliefs...than growth is severely handicapped. I'm afraid someone whose unable to allow them to search these questions and their answers out, will just be a product of whatever their environment/society/culture, they find themselves in, and that ALONE.
Anyways, I guess I'm starting to kinda question some of this stuff relating to my walk with God (and Him being our Heavenly Parent so to speak). I'm getting pretty fed up with what I think I used to feel quite comfortable in regarding rules and justice and all that, then of course trying to factor this all in with being a parent. So, I guess I'm thinking a lot about this stuff recently also because of some new ways of thinking that were, I must admit, persuasively introduced to me relating to disciplining my child. The major context in which I'm trying to fit this stuff into is in that relationship -of being a parent, and how that role is different than what I think I thought before...which was, in part, as the loving administrator of justice in the home for the benefit of the child/the family, the Kingdom of God, and to society at large.
Is it necessarily loving to try and maintain justice? Is the answer to this question different depending on the context of the relationship(s) whether in society or in your family or close network of friends? And the circumstance of the issue at hand? I'm beginning to think Yes, yes, and yes.
Justice is very important to me. My mom has always said this about me...but, at least in my perception, it was in more of a concerning manner. I think that the issue of justice and fairness IS important...but must be put in its proper place in the grand scheme of things. One must take into consideration some of the following; the kind of relationship it is, the circumstances that surround that relationship, and the whole purpose of the relationship(s). Not everything is as black and white as I or most of the human race would like it to be.
So, this leads me to confession time. I am hugely able to relate to the Pharisee. I can experience feelings of love and hate regarding how I can relate to the Pharisee. I must admit that there is a sense of pride that allows me to get dangerously comfortable in this position/identity. While at the same time...it absolutely disgusts me.
How does this play into my parenting role? I am in a position of authority. I have been entrusted with an important role, that is why I've been given this authority. I had BETTER take this role very seriously, and use it for good and not for evil in every sense. This is why I am thinking on much of this. It may seem like I over-analyze this, but that's just how I process things at this time...so live with it.. I am as I am ;]
The statement that caused me to go down this new path of thinking was, "It is never a parent's job to punish their child." This threw me off. Mostly because of the person whom it was coming from...a well trusted person whom I have willingly chosen to attach a certain degree of authority to. I was rather stunned. "If my child is acting like a little brat completely 'asking for it' by being disrespectful and blatantly defiant...I MUST do something about it to put them in their rightful place before they make it a habit" I thought. But the whole thing of punishing (I'm referring to mostly the use of spankings) is to dole out justice while teaching a lesson? They argued that it's retaliation for wrongful behavior in my child. "I must take a stand" is how it's often approached...this if for her own good. But what does it teach the child if you're punishing method (spanking), while not "abusive", isn't resulting in much, other than a raging feeling of being indignant toward the parent who every so lovingly, administered it? And especially if it's becoming more and more apparent that it's not even working that well!
The job of the State/Government is to punish criminals who break the law. But is it also the job of parents to do the same to their children? The parent should be motiviated by love-to teach and discipline the child for its own good and future in mind. Do spankings accomplish this successfuly without other negative side effects? This, I guess is what I'm essentially questioning. If there is SUCH a delicate, thin and gray line in spanking "the right way" vs "the wrong way"...is it worthy of the effort, pain (on both sides), emotionally and phsically?
Let's look at the accomplishments/results of spankings. What can and does it usually accomplish? Getting kids to comply. Getting the child's behavior in line with what is expected, and correcting what is caught, that falls below this expectation. Does it teach them just to not get caught, more than to internalize a moral lesson and instill a godly character, regardless of being caught or not? Does it merely and primarily teach the child to fear only getting caught? In the long run...does it teach or indirectly encourage passive-agressiveness in terms of dealing with conflicts? Does it teach that image is more important than substance? That behavior takes precedence over character?
If the answer to some of those previous questions could be 'yes'...then what is the alternative? Well, what's the goal in my parenting? To just get the kids to 'behave'? What a low and base standard! I must say wholeheartedly that is NOT all I'm aiming for...that's aiming way too low. So, would it be accurate to say that it is quite easy to get your kid to 'behave' right while missing the mark in terms of their character? Just training your child up to 'behave' is the easy way out! I want so much more than for them to just 'behave'. I want them to be intelligent and thinking and come to conclusions themselves based on their resolve and convictions from God regarding what is right and wrong. In my humble opinion, this is how you're able to not so easily compromise on crap because of other people's beliefs and what they tell you to believe. Be open and teachable...but have something else to measure it to other than that's just what you're supposed to do or believe, right? I don't know...maybe I have to do more thinking of this because I'm not sure this accurately depicts what I want to take a stance on. Like I said in the beginning...these thoughts aren't solid, but are rather in the forming stage...hmmm..i wonder where it will take me?? Nowhere too scary i hope! :)
Anyways, I guess I'm starting to kinda question some of this stuff relating to my walk with God (and Him being our Heavenly Parent so to speak). I'm getting pretty fed up with what I think I used to feel quite comfortable in regarding rules and justice and all that, then of course trying to factor this all in with being a parent. So, I guess I'm thinking a lot about this stuff recently also because of some new ways of thinking that were, I must admit, persuasively introduced to me relating to disciplining my child. The major context in which I'm trying to fit this stuff into is in that relationship -of being a parent, and how that role is different than what I think I thought before...which was, in part, as the loving administrator of justice in the home for the benefit of the child/the family, the Kingdom of God, and to society at large.
Is it necessarily loving to try and maintain justice? Is the answer to this question different depending on the context of the relationship(s) whether in society or in your family or close network of friends? And the circumstance of the issue at hand? I'm beginning to think Yes, yes, and yes.
Justice is very important to me. My mom has always said this about me...but, at least in my perception, it was in more of a concerning manner. I think that the issue of justice and fairness IS important...but must be put in its proper place in the grand scheme of things. One must take into consideration some of the following; the kind of relationship it is, the circumstances that surround that relationship, and the whole purpose of the relationship(s). Not everything is as black and white as I or most of the human race would like it to be.
So, this leads me to confession time. I am hugely able to relate to the Pharisee. I can experience feelings of love and hate regarding how I can relate to the Pharisee. I must admit that there is a sense of pride that allows me to get dangerously comfortable in this position/identity. While at the same time...it absolutely disgusts me.
How does this play into my parenting role? I am in a position of authority. I have been entrusted with an important role, that is why I've been given this authority. I had BETTER take this role very seriously, and use it for good and not for evil in every sense. This is why I am thinking on much of this. It may seem like I over-analyze this, but that's just how I process things at this time...so live with it.. I am as I am ;]
The statement that caused me to go down this new path of thinking was, "It is never a parent's job to punish their child." This threw me off. Mostly because of the person whom it was coming from...a well trusted person whom I have willingly chosen to attach a certain degree of authority to. I was rather stunned. "If my child is acting like a little brat completely 'asking for it' by being disrespectful and blatantly defiant...I MUST do something about it to put them in their rightful place before they make it a habit" I thought. But the whole thing of punishing (I'm referring to mostly the use of spankings) is to dole out justice while teaching a lesson? They argued that it's retaliation for wrongful behavior in my child. "I must take a stand" is how it's often approached...this if for her own good. But what does it teach the child if you're punishing method (spanking), while not "abusive", isn't resulting in much, other than a raging feeling of being indignant toward the parent who every so lovingly, administered it? And especially if it's becoming more and more apparent that it's not even working that well!
The job of the State/Government is to punish criminals who break the law. But is it also the job of parents to do the same to their children? The parent should be motiviated by love-to teach and discipline the child for its own good and future in mind. Do spankings accomplish this successfuly without other negative side effects? This, I guess is what I'm essentially questioning. If there is SUCH a delicate, thin and gray line in spanking "the right way" vs "the wrong way"...is it worthy of the effort, pain (on both sides), emotionally and phsically?
Let's look at the accomplishments/results of spankings. What can and does it usually accomplish? Getting kids to comply. Getting the child's behavior in line with what is expected, and correcting what is caught, that falls below this expectation. Does it teach them just to not get caught, more than to internalize a moral lesson and instill a godly character, regardless of being caught or not? Does it merely and primarily teach the child to fear only getting caught? In the long run...does it teach or indirectly encourage passive-agressiveness in terms of dealing with conflicts? Does it teach that image is more important than substance? That behavior takes precedence over character?
If the answer to some of those previous questions could be 'yes'...then what is the alternative? Well, what's the goal in my parenting? To just get the kids to 'behave'? What a low and base standard! I must say wholeheartedly that is NOT all I'm aiming for...that's aiming way too low. So, would it be accurate to say that it is quite easy to get your kid to 'behave' right while missing the mark in terms of their character? Just training your child up to 'behave' is the easy way out! I want so much more than for them to just 'behave'. I want them to be intelligent and thinking and come to conclusions themselves based on their resolve and convictions from God regarding what is right and wrong. In my humble opinion, this is how you're able to not so easily compromise on crap because of other people's beliefs and what they tell you to believe. Be open and teachable...but have something else to measure it to other than that's just what you're supposed to do or believe, right? I don't know...maybe I have to do more thinking of this because I'm not sure this accurately depicts what I want to take a stance on. Like I said in the beginning...these thoughts aren't solid, but are rather in the forming stage...hmmm..i wonder where it will take me?? Nowhere too scary i hope! :)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Thoughts From an Honest Mommy
Izzy is too much like her mother, for good or for bad. Sometimes I just stare at her in bewilderment thinking..."you are me in a little body and a little mind....hmmmm....scary" How do I raise myself?! She's got a hot hot temper and a witty spirit. While I can completely relate with her, which allows me to be compassionate and empathize with her struggle in this...it can drive me absolutely CRAZY!!
So, how do I respond to her? As her mother, whose supposedly the more mature one^^...I should be modeling to her good behavior...particularly in self-control in the midst of harsh frustration. But how the heck do I do this when this is my very own weakness? On one hand I think it's good that I share so much in common with her, because I for one do not know how this feels as a child growing up...being able to feel like I can closely relate to my parents...but on the other hand, since I share so much in common with her this also includes our struggles of temperament and learning to use it as a strength, as a blessing and not a curse. I'm still learning this one! And of course, the one thing I should NOT share in common with her is our maturity level!
Ahhhh...~~parenting is so much more complex than I thought it was. Believe me...I now have a TON of more compassion towards parents and the issues they face. It's called humility. God humbles the proud, which was me. But at the same time, I also think I have a very high standard and expectation of the role itself.
I see myself and the role of my 'motherhood' as a complex yet simple, but very significant role that I play in my 3 year old daughter's life. Mainly, right now I see myself as a supporter/provider and an equipper...always maintaining that bottom line --LOVE. But this may likely change (never the bottom line though)...but I think how I interact and approach her with these goals must change to a certain degree to keep up with her development and all the healthy changes she must goes through as a thriving child.
As a supporter...-obviously she's only 3 and cannot support herself in all of the basic needs still. We support/provide her with shelter, food, clothing, health care, and all under the umbrella of love. But we also support her and provide for her an environment of emotional/spiritual/mental stability, health and growth. This is where things get complex!
So this kinda blends into the equipping aspect. And this is honestly where I feel like I'm so unequipped, yet passionate about. I love my parents dearly and have a lot of respect for them. While at the same time...I'm still kinda processing my own experiences growing up, but now doing this in the frame of mind as a parent. They are human beings with strengths and weaknesses, just like us all. With that said...they had a very difficult task when they got their 3 little Korean babies. My sisters can speak for themselves...so I'll speak for myself here. But it was tougher I think as I got a little older, being raised by parents whom you feel more and more distance from when growing up or going through adolescence, not necessarily because of a lack of love. But that at that time you kinda begin figuring out who you are as an individual...while not being able to relate well with the grown-ups who've already been through this phase in life. I feel like there wasn't much anchor or navigation to weather this storm of figuring out who and where I am as a growing young adult (adolescence is what they call it now...though I disagree with many issues in the pop culture relating to this term, but that's a different topic) because they could not easily relate to me, nor me to them.
okay...i will add more about this later...little daughter just came prancing down the stairs!!! I have to go tackle her with my kisses...hopefully she will not give me a black eye in the process!!
Monday, December 15, 2008
wannabe blogger
Yea! I set up my own very first blog. I have no idea what I'm doing...but I think I can navigate through here on my own...i just hope I'll be able to find my way back here!
Okay...let me click on something here and see what happens...
hmmm...i wonder if anyone else (besides my family who i'll force) will ever read this?? does anyone out there care about what i have to say???!!! okay...in the words of my 3 year old daughter..'i'm done'.
Okay...let me click on something here and see what happens...
hmmm...i wonder if anyone else (besides my family who i'll force) will ever read this?? does anyone out there care about what i have to say???!!! okay...in the words of my 3 year old daughter..'i'm done'.
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