My Scattered Book Shelf - My Scattered Brain

These are some of the books I'm reading.  In my ideal world, my full time paid occupation would include paying me big bucks to read and discuss with others who are reading the same thing..but in my realistic world...that's hardly the case.  Anyhow, maybe one day I could have a live/online book discussion club.  For now, here are the books I've cracked open recently and have started reading, though haven't finished them before diving into another one.  Oh well..there could be worse addictions I could delve into, I won't go into that for now. 

Here's what I've been reading, in no orderly order listed:

"Object Relations Therapy: Using the Relationship" by Sheldon Cashdan, PhD

I believe this is similar to "attachment disorder" issues.

                                      "Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free From Exploitive Relationships" by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.

This is a study on what's been traditionally termed "trauma bonds"..fascinating stuff to me, amazing psychology here.  These are the kinds of books that get me all excited about pursuing an education and career in psychology.  This talks about the intricate relationship between trauma, abandonment and addiction.  They are all very related.  This is all within the context of relationships -interesting stuff to say the least, just started this book.



 

 

 

"Twelve Step Christianity: The Christian Roots and Application of the Twelve Steps" by Saul Selby

 

Recovery through the 12 Steps works.  It's a proven fact and reality for scores of people for many years.  And it's NOT only for addicts, it's for anyone who desires spiritual growth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Love is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships" by Dr. Robert Hemfelt, Dr. Frank Minirth and Dr. Paul Meier.

 

This book has many good things, but I'm starting to struggle with some of its stuff and finding the personal application.  I've put it to rest at the moment, I may come back to it later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Twisted Scriptures: Breaking Free From Churches that Abuse" by Mary Alice Chrnalogar

 

This book has great application in providing critical thinking skills with Scripture.  It assists the reader by evaluating beliefs and methods of getting others to believe those beliefs according to Scripture and just plain logical common sense.  It's direct yet gentle in the delivery method of the author.

 

 

 

 

 

"Sex and Love Addicts: The Basic Text for the Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous" or simply referred to as the "SLAA Basic Text"

 

I haven't read it yet, only reviews and was strongly recommended to get it by a dear friend.  I can't wait till it arrives.  As noted in the reviews, this addiction is often the underlying addiction that many substance abusers have that go unnoticed.  It's a socially ignored addiction (to sex and love relationships) that our culture even perpetuates and glamorizes.  It's the endless search for love and acceptance for self, outside of one's own self. 

 

 

 

"The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom" by Henri Nouwen

 

Small doses of reading this one does wonders...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"The Wounded Healer: Ministry in Contemporary Society" by Henri Nouwen

 

"In our own woundedness, we can become a source of life for others..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope we won't have to file for bankruptcy because of my addiction to reading books about my addictions to other things.  Round and round we go..

Sixpence None The Richer - Breathe

Take my sorrow and my sin
I will run into Your arms again
Hold me Father
Once again my tears are dried
By Your perfect love that's river-wide
Over-flowing
As I stand on its bank
With my arms overhead
I am overcome
As I breathe
The air of heaven
Drawing in Your fragrance
When I breathe
I feel Your fullness come alive
Inside of me
You're the breath that I breathe
Covered by the evening sky
I turn my gaze to where Your kingdom lies
Deep inside me
A silent whisper in my mind

Sweet surrender to Your love divine
Peace enfolding
In the stillness I empty my soul
And Your healing presence flows
As I breathe
The air of heaven
Drawing in Your fragrance
When I breathe
I feel Your fullness come alive
Inside of me
You're the breath that I breathe
It's taking hold
It's second nature whenI
Savor...
WhenIi
Savor...

You

As I breathe...

The Notebook - And The Gospel

Crap. Crap. Crap.  I watched "The Notebook" today with my sister.  Awww..yes.  So sweet.  So romantic.  So captivating.  There is something deep and profound in the heart of men and women that this type of movie captures so well.  Love.  Romance. All with a happy ending of two souls that could never part on earth from each other.  Fate.

Well, back to my life.  Back to reality.  No wonder why Hollywood exists in luxury, because it makes billions off of fantasies.  Off of dreams that have been abandoned in the garden of Eden after we fell.  But these longings are still in our hearts, a longing for paradise.  So, how does a Christian view this sort of thing I ask myself.  How does one who has a Biblical worldview, or who aspires to see things through the lens of Scripture view this?  I certainly can't deny that yes, this touches on something deep within.  And with all of my heart, I wish sometimes I could deny it, but I cannot without shutting down my heart.  I believe my Creator fashioned me this way on purpose, for a purpose.  I am not like this by accident.  It was intentional.  The reason this longing I experience for such deep intimacy and wanting to be deeply loved and to deeply love another exists is to function as some sort of homing device we all have within.  And it is to lead us to God Himself.

Only He can fulfill those longings.  Only He can perfectly meet all those needs we have.  Only He can fill our love tanks in a way that we need.  But this is where I'm struggling...isn't one of the ways He does this through relationships we have with other human beings?  I don't understand.

I'm having a difficult time understanding what romance is.  Why did God put that longing in our hearts?  For romance?  What is the purpose of romance?  What is the role romance has in marriage?  Romance feelings ebb and flow.  They are not foundational, in fact, I'm starting to realize more and more that these feelings of romance are more of a chemical reaction.  It's more chemistry than anything.  But it sure is a very powerful chemical reaction.  And why do we as humans have the capacity to experience such powerful chemical reactions of romance?  And what happens when those feelings subside?  What remains?  Real love?  As in agape love?  And since love is a choice, you choose to remain in the relationship despite the absence of romantic chemical reactions?  And how is that possible?  Well, there has to be a very strong and very deep level of connection that far surpasses chemical reactions and feelings.  There must be a strong bond, a strong commitment to each other.  But is that strong bond there because of the feelings that were once shared?  What is that strong bond that will hold two people together through thick and thin, through blood, sweat and tears based upon?  They can't be based upon just chemical reactions, or just feelings alone.  But don't those feelings bond two people closely together when they are built on things like trust and commitment?  And that trust and commitment are not putting trust in feelings, it's not a commitment to the feelings...it's to the other person no matter what feelings you experience or don't experience.  But how do you get to that level of commitment without any feelings?  I have so many questions on this matter.  And to me, they are far more than just academic questions.  They are HUGELY important in how I answer these, for my life, my marriage, my family will be effected, the generations after me will be affected.  God, please show me the answers.  NOT HOLLYWOOD, but YOU GOD OF TRUTH.  I need to know the truth.

Lord Jesus, You even said, "know the truth and the truth will set you free".  What is the truth about love?
I guess men aren't the only ones who are lost in space when it comes to love and romance...I could be counted amongst the clueless when it comes to those things as well...and I'm all woman, through and through, hear me roar.  Roar~~it's not always fun to roar.

Well, what a Merry Christmas.
Sorry, I am not feeling very merry today.

I loved the movie by the way.  LOVED IT, and THAT'S the problem.  The movie lasted for less then two hours..and then it ENDED, and real life came back to hit me in the face.  And then ya know what...I'm thinking to myself.  Yes, today is Christmas, and Jesus Christ's birth is being celebrated today.  He LEFT HEAVEN, He left paradise..HE LEFT the happily ever after paradise of heaven, and entered into our sick, sin infested world as a helpless infant born into a poor family.  Born in a manger.  Born in a stanky stable.  Born as a human baby, HE LEFT PARADISE, FOR US.  So that WE could have our happily ever after BACK, after WE left it by mistrusting HIM.  He came and fought for us.  And who did He fight against to win us our paradise back??? US.  Humanity in sin and rebellion.  Yes, ultimately He was ripping us back from the enemy, from Satan, but we weren't willing and wanting to go with Him, yet He fought for us.  Yes..THAT is the BEST LOVE STORY OF ALL TIME.  And the best thing is...it's only begun, the ending is impending...it is coming...every day that goes by is a day closer to our happily ever after in PARADISE FOR ALL ETERNITY, for all those who trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.  It's a love story that NO HOLLYWOOD could ever come close to.  Mostly..because it's TRUE, THAT is the GOSPEL..and it's good news BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.  If it wasn't true, it would be the worst news on earth for all history, but it's TRUE.  It's our love story with OUR BRIDGEGROOM...JESUS CHRIST.

For to us a child is born,
   to us a son is given,
   and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
   Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
   Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. -Isaiah 9:6

COME LORD JESUS..COME...DON'T DELAY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Happy, Light and Fluffy

Recently my posts seem to be on more of the somber and "heavy" side.  I feel like I need to explain and say I'm really a light-hearted person with a silly side too.  I don't always linger in the "heavy" stuff and take all of life day in and day out so dang seriously.  But then I shut-up for a second from playing my own defense attorney against the other side of me, which is apparently being the self-prosecutor..

Welcome to the inside of my head...this is a little snippet of a dialogue taking place internally, whether you wanted that invite or not..ya got one.

This is something I'm trying to be more self-aware or self-conscience about...my thoughts and the ongoing dialogue that goes on in my head...many times between the self-prosecuting attorney and the self-defense attorney.  Very interesting..never a dull moment in my head..

As I clicked the mental pause button from this little episode unfolding internally, and stepped back for a moment to see where the scripts for this crazy play came from...this non-sense actually started making perfect sense, at least to me. 

Certain memories of my family of origin (adoptive) broadcasted (in code of course) several messages growing up regarding emotions, in which I as a child drew logical conclusions about what was acceptable and not in my role within that family.  One of many conclusions I apparently drew based from that family system is that happy, light and fluffy was the way to go.  That was the safest mask to wear.  It didn't really matter how you really felt about things, you must wear your happy-face :)  I learned this because when I wanted to talk about anything that was not perceived as happy, light and fluffy...my parents emotionally and intellectually withdrew.  This was experienced by me as abandonment.  They were physically present, but emotionally and intellectually they fled the scene.  This was either done by them trying to change the subject or by just looking away and being silent, and sitting in what felt like an eternal akwardness...so then I would try and change the subject to get out of it...and the real me would go into hiding.

Thank you Prosecuting Attorney kristen, for doing what you do, and helping me to look past your accusing words and the false shame they bring.  There is in reality, nothing wrong with being a deep thinker and a deep feeler.  I am learning to walk into a very new reality, and that reality's address is in my own skin, and learning to be comfortable being in my own skin, and resisting the compulsive feeling that I need to go into hiding in order to be comfortable..what irony, what bondage that has been...to not feel comfortable being in my own skin.  And I will be continually making myself at home right here...in my own skin, without the pretty little mask of "happy, light and fluffy".  There are several other masks I will need to peel off, and the Prosecuting Attorney part of me will only play the role of servitude in a means to that end...for freedom, not bondage.

I am the CEO in this on-going board meeting that takes place in my head, and there is but One above me as far as I need to be concerned, and that is Christ.  And any argument that comes up against that must fall into ranks.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."  - Corinthians 10:5

Repent, Sinner!

"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.  Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.  If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.  Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else,  for each one should carry his own load."-Galatians 6:1-5

I've read these verses over a dozen times in my life, and today it has a whole new meaning.  Yes, the Word of God is living and active.  Today, this is what I feel the Word is teaching me, accompanied with the raw material that life serves up, this isn't just an academic lesson here, it's real life..

"If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently."  If your attempts to restore your brother, or sister, is anything BUT gentle, then perhaps this means you are not as spiritual as you considered yourself?  Restore is not the same as enforce, guilt, shame or coerce.

"But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted."  It just dawned on me, never realized till now that I had always taken this to mean the restorer should watch themselves or they would also be tempted to get caught in the same sin as the brother/sister they are trying to restore.  For example if I may be trying to restore a brother/sister who is caught in the sin of robbing banks, I should be careful because I may fall into the temptation to rob a bank too...But it doesn't say that. I think the temptation that HUGELY presents and seduces the one in the restoring role here is PRIDE, ARROGANCE AND SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS, which is rooted in deception. When in all truth, it's merely one sinner gently trying to restore another sinner.  And when this person who is trying to do the restoring thinks otherwise, they are deceived.

How can one know if they are deceived and have fallen into the temptation to believe they are something when they are not?  Well, perhaps for starters, try going to the brother/sister in which they are trying to restore if they are coming across gently or not..who better to ask if you want the truth?  Go straight to the source.  This Scripture says each one should test his own actions, and I think it gives that warning because it is so easy to fall into the insidious temptation and deception that causes one to think they are restoring a sinner "in love" when it might not possibly be received like that.  So if you are trying to restore a brother or sister who is caught in sin, do it gently and watch YOURSELF closely to make sure you are not falling into temptation to think you are something when you are not, and test your own actions.  Be open, receptive and humble and go to the brother/sister in whom you are trying to gently restore, and ask them how your restoration project is felt to THEM.

In this life, we will all take turns playing the role of the one who is called to gently restore a brother or sister struggling or caught in sin, and the one who is on the receiving end of being restored from sin.  This is a beautiful and loving way that Scriptures instructs us in how to deal with those delicate situations that provide raw material for so much growth, both for the one caught in sin AND the one who comes to gently restore. 

Addiction Affliction - Codependency

This is a new book I've started to read.  It's a rare occurrence, I must admit that I actually FINISH a book from cover to cover before cracking open a new one.  I guess I feel like I get the gist of the book, get bored or distracted, then move on.

I am having a debate within myself and with this author on this topic of codependency.  First of all, I will confess; yes, all I've read so far in this book freaks me out.  How does the author know me so well?  Holy shmuck...I am a classic textbook codependent.  BUT WAIT...isn't all of the human race post-fall codependent?  Doesn't every human being who has ever walked the face of the earth, besides Jesus Christ, been afflicted by codependency?  From my dawning understanding of this "disease", it's the fruit of eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and being a descendent of our parents in the garden, good ol Papa Adam and Mama Eve.

By the way, blogging while listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons is like being on Crack, or what I'd imagine it would be like..it's grrrreat..except a lot safer..sorry..tangent..

As defined by this book p. 61 on iBook version (my comments are in italics):

THE TEN TRAITS OF A CODEPENDENT

1. The codependent is driven by one or more compulsions. (Isn't this EVERYONE?  Some can just do a much better job at masking it.  For example the Heroin addict can't hide this so well, as his/her affliction/addiction is very obvious and very socially/culturally non-acceptable.  BUT, the workaholic or the mom who feeds off of her children's achievements, or the pious fanatic, at first glance, may look a lot more "normal" as they go about their daily compulsions, because these tend to be more socially acceptable, even praised, and therefore reinforced in our culture, including the church.)

2. The codependent is bound and often tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin. (the family of origin for us all is being children of Adam and Eve..and that "dysfunction" is called sin..nobody is immune to that "dysfunction".)

3. The codependent's self-esteem (and, frequently, maturity) is very low. (Self-esteem is a funny thing, a funny concept, it's so elusive and ever-changing, for it is of the self, which can morph easily.)

4. A codependent is certain his or her happiness hinges on others.  (the self-life...when our intake tubes are not in Christ, we will have them in others, whether it be people and the fickle feelings we have within those relationships or with inanimate objects..this is a tricky one)

5. Conversely, a codependent feels inordinately responsible for others. (naturally when your identity and life are enmeshed with others, you will be like this, but where is the balance between deeply caring for others and not being responsible for them? So was Jesus codependent when he died on the cross to save us from our sins, and then gave us the Holy Spirit to guide and help us while we await His return?? -of course not)

6. The codependent's relationship with a spouse or Significant Other Person (SOP) is marred by a damaging, unstable lack of balance between dependence and independence.  (I know of very few people, actually zero, who seem to strike this balance well and maintain it, through valleys and mountaintops..)

7. The codependent is a master of denial and repression. (Is that what all this writing in italics is all about? My denial?)

8. The codependent worries about things he or she can't change and may well try to change them. (Like recovering from codependency? Or is that something that I cannot change?)

9. A codependent's life is punctuated by extremes. (I thought that was a passionate person, not a codependent)

10. A codependent is constantly looking for the something that is missing or lacking in life. (Join the human race being kicked out of the garden..wth do you expect?? Think about it..Man/Woman..-created in the image of God, and created FOR God, but is now in sin and in a broken world...constantly looking for something that is missing because quite frankly...THERE IS SOMETHING MISSING...if we never went looking for this, how the heck would we come to God???)

I'm really not that bitter ;) and though it's not obvious, I really do like this book...I just am being argumentative but I think as I continue to read and dig, things will become clearer. As the cliche goes..it's all a process..

To be continued...

 

This Is My Life - Share Your Advice Then Back Off

"Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand." -Romans 14:4 

If anyone is going to mess up my life, let it be me and only me.  If anyone is going to enjoy the good fruit of my wise choices, or the crap from my unwise choices, let it be me.  Back off, let me ruin my life on my own, or let me enjoy my life on my own.  -From my own choices, I either stand or fall.

I'm taking my life back.  Consider this a lamentation of things lost, from years ago.  I tend to take things very literally, and the heart behind my words here should be taken seriously but not out of context.  The message is for me and for those who have or who are coming out of a realization that they've allowed themselves to be spiritually discipled or mentored by extremely controlling/manipulative people in which they trusted.  In my case, this was in my opinion, one of the most dangerous, for it was of a spiritual nature, and this happened about 10 years ago, and I'm just now sensing the gravity of this mentoring relationship I had with a woman who was my spiritual mentor, when in fact, she was more of a spiritual meddler.

When I come to you and ask for your advice or your opinion, that is exactly what that is.  Your (a mere mortal human being's) advice or opinion.  It is not God's.  Even if you have a long-standing relationship with God, then you of all people should know that you are not the Holy Spirit, you do not have more of an exclusive access to the Holy Spirit, you do not have backstage passes to God.  I will take into sincere consideration, your opinions and feedback, but in the end, it's between me and God, not between me and you.  If you take it personally that I do not take your advice or agree with the majority of your strong opinions on non-moral issues, and then start to wonder or hint at me being in the flesh because of it, then you'd better check YOURSELF, not me.

Let me be clear on this, anyone who's met me and walked closely with me knows this facet of my heart...I welcome perspectives from others who have different backgrounds and different ways of seeing things, to a certain extent (for example I won't waste time with someone introducing blatant absurd ideas, like that they are God for instance).  But within that area of non-absurd ideas, I may sharply debate them, but before I can debate them, I must hear them out, and usually I do this because I've sought it out.  And usually I engage in debating them because I feel the need to go down a logical/intellectual checklist in my mind before accepting something, and to get to that point, I need to intellectually have a wrestling match with ideas or concepts being introduced, and I usually welcome it.  It's engaging and it's a form of iron sharpening iron...I heart it.  Yes, there is tons of benefit in hearing the insights and thoughts of others in the body of Christ.  But the subtle danger comes when these get confused with being God's, over and above my own convictions on areas that are not in black and white areas according to Scripture.

If you are asked or feel "led" to come alongside a young Christian or a new believer's side, or even in a seasoned Christian's life to speak into their life, then know that you will be held to a greater level of accountability for what you impart into them than you may realize.  (Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. -James 3:1)

At the drop of a hat, when my spiritual mentor steered me into making some life-altering decisions, I feared not following her counsel, I feared God wouldn't bless me because I was acting out of my ignorance, immaturity or flesh.  So these are some of the choices I made due to her counsel...I dropped out of a master's degree program for Acupuncture, I moved out of the place I was living in and returned home and paid rent to my parents for living at home, I got a job and forsook pursuing my education, I left a small group where I was building relationships with others, I did not go on a mission's trip to Taiwan when I had the funds and desire to go, I did not walk away from a relationship I felt God was calling me to, and I quit wearing make-up.  Ok, so maybe my decision to quit wearing make-up wasn't a life-altering decision, but it was also influenced by this relationship.  Then, when I got married, the mentoring relationship seemed to dissolve, but similar dynamics and patterns seemed to play out in other relationships.

Now, I am struggling in my marriage, have no college degree, and am pissed.  I will not stay in this pissed stage for good.  But I know that walking through this pissed stage to get to the non-pissed stage is important.  Grieving.  I seem to be walking through a lot of that lately.  Grieving, it has pretty much been foreign to me, and now I'm dealing with it on so many levels.  And anger, I believe is the second stage of the grief process, and yes, I know they cycle in and out, but that is where I'm at right now with this part.

Thank you blog that I can go to you to process stuff with.  How sad, that I feel you are a substitute for a real life person, that I have this blog.  But you my dear blog, are not a person, you do not have flesh and blood, though I pray that God would still use you in whatever capacity He wants, for whatever purpose...because I know that you are bridge to those who have actual flesh and blood that I cannot reach on my own...

Parenting - "Disciplinary" Mindsets that Emotionally Constipate

From this Amateur's perspective---

As parents, when you and I sub-conscientiously believe that our children's behavior and conduct is tied to our own sense of personal success or failure as people, and try to hang our identity on that peg, will in turn demand a polished image of our children. This is a damaging, but initially invisible phenomenon.  For it trumps your child's emotional well being and greatly handicaps their ability to foster, initiate, reciprocate, maintain and enjoy the risks and rewards of having ongoing intimate relationships with others in their lives.

In forbidding or discouraging our children in expressing their feelings, thoughts, intellectual objections with us, through blatant or subtle shame and ridicule, we emotionally constipate them and the effects are, in my observation, played out in their struggle (whether it's admitted to or not)  in developing and maintaing these intimate relationships as adults.  It is a silent arrow, an invisible wound that this mind-set delivers, and it's rampant in our culture, and I'd argue, even more so within religious/church circles.

I am not guilt-free when it comes to this.  I have struggled greatly to not feel embarrassed by my child's unruly behavior, and then to discipline more harshly to achieve the goal of making me look good towards outsiders.  Tragic idolatry.  I can only speak for myself but I, like many in our world I believe, was raised in an environment that did not foster a feeling of openness or safety when it came to expressing emotions other than "happy" emotions.  So, I could easily play the "victim card".  But that just further wounds myself and cripples my path to recovery and growth, which in turn, will surely be passed down to the next generation, and the next, and the next...  The cycle must stop. I want it to stop.  And it must stop with me first, by admitting it, and taking an honest assessment of how I view my authoritative role as a parent.  Noticing my own behavior within this role will give me helpful information.

Having to live with the later affects of children who have undergone such harsh and rigid emotionally constipating home environments angers me.  It's so emotionally stunting and it stinks to high heaven.  It's a cunning strategy of the enemy to fool parents into thinking that raising children in these homes that are hyper concerned with image and the outward appearance of the family by only tweeking behavior, and disregarding the heart of a child in the process of wanting to raise polished children is a stronghold I see in the church and in many family-sub-cultures.  I married into one also, but it has a spiritual veneer...yuck.  This is my own personal opinion, which I reserve the right to change as I myself hopefully change in my walk along this path on earth.  But this is where I'm at right now.  And that is ok with me, just so long as I don't stay where I'm at for long...

Peace out  >>>>>>=======/////////========>>>>>>>>>>

Casting Crowns - If We Are The Body

"Twisted Scriptures" - Dicing It Up

"Controversy for the sake of truth is a divine command." -Dr. Walter Martin

I'm currently reading a book that I wish I could carve out the time to devour, as it is so fitting and relevant to experiences I've had with several other Christians in my life, recent and not so recent, some well-intended but very misguided, and some ill-intended..only God knows.. I feel like all these issues are coming to the surface in regards to a hard fall I'm recovering from in my own walk.

The dross is being brought to the surface, while going through the refining fire, and it's not fun or pleasant, but I believe the fruit of it will be so sweet. I'm sure I'll be blogging on several different issues as I'm a hyper-processor, and as these thoughts work through and out of my mind and make its way out onto the world wide web through the avenues of my fingertips.

This is such a crazy experience, I would have never imagined all these things could be brought out of such a difficult situation, but I shouldn't be so surprised, right? After all, that IS how His Majesty rolls~~

I've often aspired to having a very teachable spirit. And I've always wanted to be taught, directed and guided, even by very rigid or "straight-forward" people. I felt like I was "tough" for being able to "take it" from people and not get so offended, it was almost like a spiritual trophy for being able to receive "tough love" in the name of wanting to be a disciple of Christ. Mix this with a propensity towards being an extremist that goes from being a people-pleaser to a people-pisser-offer, and this can make for quite an interesting concoction.

I am learning to exercise and tone up a very flabby spiritual muscle of mine -discernment. Discern advice, counsel and others speaking into my life. I was ignorant/naive, and therefore vulnerable to being put on the receiving end of spiritual abuse/manipulation from people I respected and admired. Usually these people were significantly older than myself, in a very similar role of a parent or in my mind, an authoritative figure. There was an evident "power differential" that at least I felt on my end. I even thought I was lucky and more blessed to have such caring people who would tell me how it really is at the cost of me maybe not liking them, but at the cost of "truth" for "my sake", oh how they were sacrificing for my own good! --What a bunch of bull shit...but this is spiritual bull shit, which is even more sickening.

As an adolescent, I was living the other extreme. This seems to be a behavioral pattern I'm learning plays into my life more than I'd care to admit...being an extreme extremist, and eventually after several knocks on the head, I seem to find that elusive equilibrium, but it sure would be nice to find that without the knocks on the head, if only I wasn't so hard-headed. But wait, how can I be so "teachable" and "hard-headed" at the same time? Another personal paradox of mine I guess. Anyways...as I was saying, I was a rebel to authority when I was in middle school age. I hated and disrespected authority and let em know it with no uncertainty. In doing this, I felt I was tough too, what another load of b.s.

Well, that eventually chilled out when I started hanging out with Asians and was told that was simply not...well, -not Asian. Asian culture is all about "showing respect". I was after all, Asian, but I had absolutely no idea what the heck that meant, being Asian. I was raised by White-Americans in a predominantly White community, and I was looking for my identity, and the first place I searched in this pursuit of finding this mysterious identity of mine was under the rock labeled "Race/Ethnicity". That could be a whole different post, I really need to focus or I'll go all over the place in this if I'm led astray by my ADHD (self-diagnosed)...oh, the precious backspace button..how I love thee..

Back to the topic--

I'm in a place where I'm leery of people and questioning everything I never questioned about spiritual advice, especially coming from people I looked to in typical "parental"/"authoritative" roles. Having that mindset, I'm learning the hard way, can be extremely dangerous. I thought I was being submissive and obedient, or humble before God, and the enemy pounced on me and I experienced a little spoonful of shame to make the medicine or the "disciplining hand of God" go down, with Bible verses being sneered at me after coming clean and walking the path of repentance. I'm now realizing that kind of response was completely well...unBiblical and NOT at all a reflection of Jesus, in whom I follow.

In short here, because I just don't have the time to expound more on stuff I'm processing...I'm learning to follow what the Apostles did in Acts 5:29 "We must obey God rather than men". And I'm learning that there are a number of men and women out there who seem to confuse their own opinions and conclusions with God's...ummm, scary. And what's even more scary to me is that I confused this with God's voice. God's voice is tender to the tender-hearted...

No more of that non-sense, no sir-ee, not for me... Knowing who I am is not enough...I'm learning that knowing who others are, and who they ARE NOT is also critical. Others and their strong opinions and judgments are theirs, and can very well be separate from God's.

Wrapping it up here for now... exercising this discernment muscle with this on my spiritual dashboard will save me from much unnecessary shame and heartache...

"Do not quench the Spirit. Do not treat prophecies with contempt but test them all; hold on to what is good, reject every kind of evil." - 1 Thessalonians 5:19-22

Respect The Tree And Flee

-Truly, I have much to be thankful for. This is what I will focus on, moment by moment. Not on what I do not have, but on all that I do have...-which is good and pleasing. So, back off crafty serpent with your stanky little lies. For I am a receiver of abundant blessings.

There were MANY trees in the garden of Eden which God said, you may eat of, trees that were PLEASING to the eye and GOOD for food. THAT is what I will do, consider all the many trees in which I am given freely to choose from and to enjoy and I'll delight in dining on those...

And I will respect and flee from the tree that is NOT meant for food, I will NOT go there to dine...for when I do, I will surely die, and THAT is no lie, and now, I don't need to ask why. I now know, from the school of hard knocks...it is no lie that when you eat of that tree, you will surely die.

Praise God that there is grace and mercy and redemption, thank You Lord Jesus that You do not leave us dead in our sins, that You fight for us and prevail over our sins and shame, that we may walk boldly and approach the throne of grace. You are beautiful, You amaze me over and over again by Your love...

~From Ashes To Beauty~

I was born in 1980, in South Korea. If you put a map of South Korea in front of me, it would be a challenge for me to locate the city on the map in which I am told I was born in, for I do not know where it even is. It's called Wonju City.

I am a twin to my twin sister. My story from the beginning is exactly that to me, a story, whether it is true to fact, half true, or completely false, I do not know. But this is my story, the one I've been told of my beginnings...

I was originally told this; I was born on April 27, 1980, the elder one to my twin, to an unwed mother, that I later found out at about the age of 13 that she was actually not unwed, she was married and had four older daughters before having my twin sister and I. We've been given her name, my birth father's name, and the names of my four older sisters, all in Korea. My twin sister and I were abandoned shortly after birth, exactly how shortly after birth I have no idea, and probably never will. I am told assumptions about why I and my twin sister were abandoned. We were girls, they probably wanted boys. They were probably extremely impoverished, and we were born into a culture that places much greater value on sons than on daughters, and my birth parents already had four daughters and could not carry the burden of raising two more, two more daughters that would cost them something they did not have and that brought no social security to their family.

We were left in an orphanage, I believe it was called Eastern Child Welfare in Seoul Korea, but how far is that from Wonju City? How would extremely poor parents make a trip to Seoul? How did we end up there? Who took us? Did it cost them money? Did they get paid for their twin babies when they abandoned us? Why? This is a theme in my life..-way more questions than I have answers to, and probably ever will have answers to relating to my first year of life. I have no idea what my family medical history is. I have no idea if cancer or any genetic pre-disposed disease lies hidden within my DNA...no idea.

I am told, we were bounced around from foster homes, and brought back to a hospital due to severe diarrhea and probably dehydration. When we left the hospital, my twin sister and I were separated, and sent off to two different foster homes. We actually were transferred to one more foster home that I'm aware of, but I do not know that for sure. I have reviewed documents from Korea that report I was weak, the weaker of the two twin babies was Young Hee (me). That is all I can recall in the documents from Korea.

April 7, 1981, just 20 days before our first birthday we are put on a plane with an escort and shipped overseas to the United States of America. We arrive at the airport with over 40 people, white people that is, welcoming us to this strange new place called home, to these strange and foreign people called... mom and dad. There are pictures of me in yellow pj's coming off the plane and after being handed over from my escort to my new dad and what was I doing? I was crying. What was my new dad doing? He had a smile that stretched from ear to ear. There was a huge chasm in what I was experiencing in my heart and what he was experiencing in his. This is the beginning of a pattern, a chasm between me and these people called, mom and dad. What was my twin sister doing? She was playing with her new dad's tie and looking around, not crying, not in distress. Only I was, another chasm...what I was experiencing in my heart was very very different than what my twin sister was experiencing in hers, the expression of our faces was completely different. This twin sister in whom I supposedly shared a womb with was now a complete stranger, as my mother (adoptive of course) has explained, we demonstrated no signs of knowing who the other one was. We were separated in Korea, and didn't get re-united until the airplane ride overseas.

Trauma is something new to me. I never knew how it was a part of my story, and I'm still figuring it out. Until very recently I never knew abandonment was still my wound or how deep it went. I never knew attachment to nothingness was either. Until very recently...

Whether it is true, false or half true, it is my story I've been given...and just how factual or fictitious it is, I will most likely never know this side of heaven.

I never knew this had any significant effect on my life until a couple years ago I was participating in a group at church called, Christ-life. The first writing assignment was to write with my non-dominant hand from that infant, to the person I was then, an adult. To make a connection. I wrote that letter, full of questions to the adult...the whole letter was basically questions..questions that have still to this day never been answered. I wrote it and felt no emotions while writing the letter. I was completely shocked at what came out when I was to go first in my group and read the letter to about 4 other people, complete strangers. I opened up my letter from this infant...and could not stop weeping, gasping for air, and trying to maintain my composure so I could at least start reading the first word on the page. And that was the first indication to me that there is something in me, a deep wound, a DEEP WOUND, from being traumatized in my earliest days, and having no attachment to a parent or caregiver to feel safe with. It's a tragic feeling, a helpless infant who is completely dependent on her caregivers who is being abandoned repeatedly, with no anchor, no relationship to attach to, no grounding, no voice to express the loss and pain, no words, no noticing by others...and then shifted to a foreign place called home, and no attachment there, with no connection of the pain...a huge chasm is felt and she goes into hiding. For she was a very sensitive baby, a hurting lost baby, with no voice, and no person noticing, she learned to build up a wall from the beginning and go into hiding to protect that sensitive vulnerable soul..and the only way to do that was to go into hiding and when provoked, to come out in anger, then to go back into hiding. Until one day...she was captivated by her Creator, her Maker, the One who had seen it all..and been there all along, and was now revealing Himself to her, and continues to do so, and a part of that doing so, is in revealing a part of her story that's been lost, been buried in her soul, her sensitive soul, and recovering and reclaiming what the enemy has stolen, and taking it back in victory.

For those who have been touched by adoption, and never could realize what exactly is this nawing pain in your child or loved one that was adopted, perhaps their voice can identify somewhat with mine..or perhaps not, only they can find their voice in the their story...hopefully this could somehow help them...

Thank You to my Redeemer, the Lord Jesus Christ, who works to bring things from ashes to beauty..there is truly none like You.

The Misfit - The Body

I am fallen. I am a sinner.

I am the body of Christ.

I am vulnerable. I am needy. I am broken. I am wounded. I am hypocritical. I am weak. I am made of flesh and blood. I am messy. I am smart. I am sassy. I am timid. I am afraid.

I am the body of Christ.

I am saved by grace, and grace alone. I am the worst of sinners. I have been shown grace and truth. I have been redeemed. My sins have been paid for with the blood of Jesus Christ. I am all the above, but I am not ashamed. I am hidden in Christ in the heavenly places. My sins are forgiven. I am walking in repentance. I am free. I am not ashamed.

I owe nothing that has not been already paid for by the blood of Christ. I am His, He is mine. When I am being unwelcomed, and feel as though I walk through the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff, which is used to correct and guide, they COMFORT me, not bruise me (Psalm 23:4), and I will not be ashamed. I will not be ashamed.

I am a misfit. I am a part of the body of Christ.

Fight or Flight

YOU need to fight, you are a fighter. Your greatest weapon in the biggest battle that goes on unseen is TRUTH. No matter how badly it hurts the self at first, you must wage war with the truth, and if this means you walk in humility for the truth to be made known, well then you walk in humility and let the self be hung on the cross as you carry it and trust in Jesus to resurrect only what He can resurrect..but in order to resurrect, it must be put to death.

"You are a fighter", I tell myself, "fight by telling the truth." If you want to be the one who takes a flight in the face of adversity, then hide behind lies or half truths..but that is just declaring war against your own heart, the heart that Jesus Christ died to save, that He fought for with His very self...who came to us full of grace and truth...truth...it is the only path to freedom, not one that entails smelling the roses all the time, but it is worth it even when telling the truth to yourself or a loved one feels like you're laying down in a bed of thorns, do not let fear take over...for that path will get you somewhere for sure, but not to the Author and Perfecter of our faith, the one great Physician, the one great Healer, the One who came to set the captives FREE.

So pick up your sword, and fight with knowing the truth and telling the truth, even if it hurts..it's only hurting the self-life...and that self-life is dead, crucified on the cross, that the new creation may live...it hurts, but will bring you on the path to freedom. Please..choose freedom, choose to tell the truth no matter how much it costs...you are worth it, I am worth it, if you have flesh and blood, then you are worth it...and THAT is the TRUTH.

The Real Me -

"The Real Me" by Natalie Grant

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a Charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

And you love me just as I am

Wonderful, Beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

Anger Ranger

Ah yes...it's all coming back to me now why anger was chosen over pain...in anger I can run powerfully and vigorously away from the pain in a hurting broken heart...- from the book of Kristen's Psalms.

From the Amateur Wannabe Therapist Desk of Kristen Lopez

Feelings are for feeling. They communicate messages and conclusions that have been made with whatever information has previously been programmed by a variety of different sources, no matter how contradictory those sources are with one another. Feelings are real and valid, they should be acknowledged and valued, but they do NOT define who you are. Your identity should not be based upon your feelings or emotions. They run on previously programmed/downloaded information, regardless of whether or not that information had errors or faulty reasonings based on the principles of this world. They do not concern themselves with truth, they just put two and two together and come up with the feeling based on whatever operating system has been installed, since infancy.

Feel your feelings, they are important, but make the ever so critical distinction..you are NOT your feelings.

The Great Deception

The lie, the great deception is still being told to Adam and Eve's descendants again and again, and believing it leaves devastation and tragic heartbreak.

The lie that the validation and worth given to us from Christ isn't enough, that His grace and His death on the cross and His resurrection for us isn't enough when it comes to speaking to our worth, and that we need this still from others. The lie that says we can get this on our own, apart from God because we are lacking. The serpent saw us through a false paradigm, out of that he spoke and we believed. The paradigm the serpent had of us when tempting Eve was that we were lacking, that God was withholding, and that we could get what we lacked and what God was withholding on our own, and that by us getting that on our own by disobeying God, by mistrusting God, by sinning..we would not surely die, what a lie. The lie was presented so well, it's the paradigm of looking through the eyes of the serpent that paints us as lacking and able to get what God withholds, and by not truly dying in our sin of unbelief and disobedience.

It's the lie that God isn't really enough, what Christ has done for us isn't enough. This is the great deception still propelling us straight into the enemy's headquarters of sin.

Christ's words on the cross hold so much truth and power:

"It is finished." John 19:30. Nothing else is necessary, believe it, it's the truth and be set free.

Reflections From a Feminist

Well, I've ordered a book I've been putting on the back burner to read for a long time. "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge. I've read the book "Captivating" by Stasi & John and absolutely loved it. And I've always wanted my husband to read it, figured he has 2 daughters and a wife, and after all..women are the more complicated ones, and men are the Simpletons, right? Plus, he is the man and he should read that first, THEN I would read "Wild at Heart".

If you're not familiar with these books, they are books that a couple wrote that, at least "Captivating" in my opinion, did a great job capturing and revealing the heart and soul of what makes a woman unique in her femininity and "Wild at Heart" reveals the inner secrets or places of the soul of a man. We are each created in the image of our Maker, but as women and men, we reflect different aspects of our Maker. We have both been created in our Maker, and at the same time, live in a broken war-zone world and therefore experience wounds in somewhat very unique ways.

In only understanding your own gender and not going into the world of the opposite sex, I am starting to realize, you miss a significant part of the heart of God. For again, we each reflect our Maker and have been created in His image and likeness.

I think I am a bit more of a feminist than what I have realized. For one, I've never had brothers, no uncles or male cousins that I had any kind of significant relationship with, and didn't experience a very close knit relationship with my own father growing up. I had many close guy friends, and in retrospect can see that these guy friends I had gave me a good glimpse into what the male world is like apart from God.. And this, I believe may have been the start of my becoming a feminist who started to see there was not much worth respecting regarding men, SPECIFICALLY in how they related to women.

I was often referred to by my guy friends in high school as their sister, or as one of the guys...but a girl. They didn't edit stuff out because I was there, they talked about stuff with me and around me to each other as if I was one of the guys. At the time I felt lucky, like I was given special privileges to be this "insider" of the world of guys. But am now starting to see that it greatly jaded my view of men and gave me a disdain for many of their views on women and relationships.

Well, now I am walking with God and desire to reflect Him. I desire to know Him deeply and to abide in Him. But I have also struggled within my marriage. I am finding that I do not understand my own man and how different he is from me. Almost all of the areas that he's different than me in, and that I used to really like, I find so irritating. If I was completely honest, I would say that I wish he was just more like me. More like me in how he thought, in how he related and in how he functioned in our marriage. But he is not, (thank God) and so there is this conundrum.

If I had a son, I figured I would definitely read this book and get to know the world of the male heart and the male psyche. But I have no sons, so I've been quite reluctant to read this...until now. Now I'm asking myself, what if these struggles I experience within my own marriage are related to my ignorance of how men are created differently that woman, and in my stubbornness to understand and RESPECT the unique differences. My husband was also created in the image of His Maker, but yet he is so different than me and I cannot figure him out and I do not have a sincere respect for these differences. This, I feel a burden in my heart to grow out of and to get to know the world of being a male in a broken world, and to RESPECT those struggles, those wounds and those longings of a man. Right now, I don't get it, I don't understand them and I am frustrated with them.

We'll see what things will come of this journey...a journey into the world of the heart of a man, after all, I am married to one and live in a world with them. Feminism is wonderful in many ways, I absolutely love being a woman. But in my pride of being a woman, I want to also have respect for those who are not.

Freedom's Roots

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

Yoke of slavery comes from placing confidence in the flesh. It's placing your trust/confidence in something that cannot deliver, that cannot provide. It's eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, instead of eating from the Tree of Life and all the other trees that were growing and were pleasing to the eye and good for food and that were placed in the garden and freely given for food.

The tree of the knowledge of good and evil was not placed in the garden for the purpose of feeding Adam and Eve. Then why was it placed there? I think perhaps it was placed there as a visual marker to manifest that there is indeed a presence of good and evil around humanity and that we are freely given the capacity to choose whom we will believe in regards to what is good and what is evil, or whom we are leaving it up to in judging what is good and evil...God or ourselves. The serpent saw that the only opportunity for us to replace God from that place of authority is by causing us to mistrust God. If we completely trusted God with every single ounce of our being and in His heart towards us, why would WE need that knowledge between good and evil? If we were in absolute pure intimate fellowship and constant union with God, the way it was before sin entered into humanity, then I ask again, why would WE need to have the knowledge of good and evil? Would the only necessary reason to have that knowledge be because of the RESULTS and EFFECTS of sin entering into creation? We wouldn't need that knowledge with the absence of sin! Creation was completely and utterly subverted in the mind of Eve before it was subverted by her sin in eating from that tree. She was under the delusion that she NEEDED and therefore desired to have that knowledge. The only way she was under that delusion was by falling prey to the crafty serpent that went about accomplishing this by lying to us about God, about ourselves, and about that tree; the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

Scripture says that after the serpent lied to Eve, THEN did she see that this tree was 'good for food and pleasing to the eye..' But...so were all the other trees growing there and which she was free to eat from. This tree was no different in that sense.

Eve believed a lie about this tree, a lie about God and a lie about herself. The lie about this tree was that it was somehow different somehow better than all the other trees she was free to eat from. Because she saw it was desirable for gaining wisdom. But God didn't say by eating this tree she would gain wisdom. That is what she assumed based on the lie the serpent told her about this tree. The lie about God was that God was withholding wisdom and goodness from her. That He didn't want her to have something she wanted and could therefore not be trusted. The lie about Eve was that she was lacking in something she needed, and that she could get it on her own, apart and in opposition to God.

These two trees were the only trees placed in the middle of the garden.

"Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. And the Lord God made all kinds of trees growing out of the ground - trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Genesis 2:8-9

Interestingly, I just noticed that the Lord had made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground - trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. So, the Tree of Life wasn't the ONLY tree that was meant to be eaten from. The Lord had not commanded them to eat from the Tree of Life only. His only command was this: "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die."

So, it's not an either or, black or white issue of what tree to eat from! The first command that came from God to the first human being was this: "YOU ARE FREE". Not, "You shall not...”

God is about freedom. He is not about prohibitions. There was nothing wrong with eating from any of the others trees. And the trees that God said they were free to eat from weren't nasty, ugly trees. No, they were pleasing to the eye and good for food. There was nothing wrong with what God had created, or with His command to man. The only thing the crafty serpent could do to wreck it all was to lie about God, lie about the tree and lie about Eve. He did this by fooling Eve into seeing God in a false way, a way that would portray God as untrustworthy and withholding goodness from Eve, and that Eve could attain this aside from God, and in not taking his command and His warning seriously because she now mistrusted God and His heart.