This Is Me, Like It Or Leave It - really?

My sentiments expressed here are representative of my current reflections, while processing current thoughts I have and sorting through them.  I reserve the right to share my truth of where I'm at, and change it the next day.  I'm on a moving journey through life..  This is a freeze-frame using words indicating where I'm at during the time of writing this post.

"This is me, like it or leave it."
I've heard this said before.  I've heard myself say it or think it before.  Really though?  I would like to challenge this core value that is spoken or held, but often produces more resentment than intimacy in the lives of those who choose to operate from this place.  Is it really about who you are?  Or is it more accurate and truthful to say this is how you are, like it or leave it?  Or even closer to the truth in saying;  "This is how I will treat you, like it or leave it."

There is a subtle but very significant distinction between these statements when you get to the heart behind this.  Saying, "This is me, like it or leave it", is appropriate within the context of factors that are unchangeable.  For instance; my age, race, gender, past, and family of origin...  -these are all parts that make up who I am as a unique individual.

There are definitely more parts of us that make up who we are; our talents, interests, hobbies, the pace at which we process thoughts and feelings.  This is our unique molding which the sum total of them make up our individual personalities.  I cannot become a super outgoing person, who is super laid back and not particular about activities, but rather easily enjoys going anywhere.  Some people could, this would fit well with their personality and there's nothing wrong with that.  That's just not me though, and there's nothing wrong with that either.  This is not compatible with my personality.  I can still choose to do them or be cooperative if asked to do them, but preferring to do it on my own is a different story.

While some of the choices I make reflect my personality, not all of them do.  Many choices reflect my character much more than my personality, and character reflects the current condition/position of my heart and the core values it holds, consciously or sub-consciously.  Each individual living on this planet has their heart on a journey.  They are headed somewhere, even if they aren't aware of where they're headed, they are headed somewhere for sure.  Nobody's heart remains still for long.  In the course of time, my heart is either growing harder and colder, or it's growing softer and warmer - towards myself, others and God.

There is nothing indicative of an unloving or cold heart in saying, "this is me, like it or leave it" when it's said within the context of the unchangeable facets of my makeup (age, race, family of origin, etc).  Even if I didn't like these parts of myself, if I'm going to befriend reality and myself, I need to accept it because I'm powerless to change it.  Likewise, if others chose to be in a relationship with me, then it becomes necessary for them to accept those factors about me, because they are unmalleable.

Now - change the context of where this mindset is operating from to reflect not personality, but character.  Huge difference.

"This is me, like it or leave it."  When this is said (by words or by deeds) within the context of not being willing to change or work on the following:
how I respond to you, 
how I speak to you, 
how I  express my feelings to you, 
how I will handle conflicts with you, 
how I will view you 
and how I will treat you -
..we have a very different story.  A totally different ball game all together.

The different ball game reveals a different heart, a different belief system towards the self and others.  Becoming aware and honest about it is the beginning of change.  Aware, not ashamed.

We are dealing with a heart that is leaning in the direction of becoming less warm and less soft, but rather more cold and more hardened.

Many of us, myself included, have areas in our hearts where we tend to be softer and tend to be more hardened or resistant.  Often the areas where I'm more resistant are areas securely hidden in my blindspots.  I cannot see them without the help of another.  On my own and aside from others, I will clearly see these resistant areas in my heart 0% of the time.  The need for me to be vulnerable with others in my journey towards growth and healing is a non-negotiable.  It is indispensable - period.

Our hearts are on a journey.  The journey I've committed my heart towards is one that has its goal of reflecting more of Jesus Christ, and less of self.  It's a crazy journey I've embarked on.  It's a journey wrought on with much adversity and uphill battles, but it's a journey I've never been called to travel alone in.  It involves great intimacy with my Creator and Savior, Jesus Christ - who never leaves me nor forsakes me.  By the way, I believe it is possible to not leave someone, but forsake them.  You can be physically present, but still forsaking them.

If my relationships and/or friendships with others on this journey are under-girded by the mindset of "This is me, like it or leave it." and isn't indicative of my personality or biological traits, but rather of my character, there is a problem.  A big one.  It cannot be overlooked or underestimated.  It must be confronted and confessed:
to myself,
others in whom I trust,
and to God.

To confront and overcome this mindset, a battle ensues, a spiritual one.  It is often a stronghold.  Denying this supplies the enemy of my soul ammunition to cause much pain in my relationships with others and greatly hinders me from sharing in the blessings from sharing the gospel.

"Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible.  To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews.  To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law.  To those not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law.  To the weak I became weak, to win the weak.  I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some.  I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings."  -1 Corinthians 9:19-23

My mind goes searching for the loopholes and starts asking, "Does this include the people in my life who are already saved by the gospel?  Does this include my family members?  Where am I exempt from operating out of this mindset?"  -Nowhere.

The gospel message isn't something we live for part-time.  We don't put our gospel uniforms on when around certain people and punch into the gospel-clock, then take off our gospel uniforms and live differently for the remainder of the day, at least we're not called to operate like this in my understanding of the New Testament.

Operating out of the mindset Paul had, I think, would benefit the message of the gospel greatly but is often, (at least in the majority of Evangelical American Christian circles), not valued and not practiced.

What if I were to operate from this mindset of Paul's?  The mindset that knows that though I'm a free woman that belongs to no other human, doesn't mean I can then operate from a position that says, "This is me, like it or leave it." 

Quite the contrary - Paul says he became (willingly) a slave to everyone.  Why?  To win as many as possible.  It's a brilliant strategic mindset, one that a soldier would operate from, not a civilian.  

Paul was willing to become all things to all men, so that by all possible means, he might save some.  It was for the sake of the gospel.  And in doing so, his expectation for sharing in its blessings is present, and is consistent with reality.

THAT IS LIVING IN FREEDOM.  When I can willingly become a slave to everyone.  Not a slave in the sense of being abused as a powerless victim.  But in the sense that I'm willing to offer myself up to being USED or of service to God and others, for the sake of the gospel, without feeling like I'm sacrificing something I can't live without (my pride/ego).  For the sake of the gospel, (not in merely intellectually knowing the gospel), but in being SAVED by it (not just my soul from eternal separation, but my relationships from being separated or cut off from peace and intimacy) in being free to actually living free and being saved from a life filled to only please myself -which is true bondage and slavery.  That is the gospel that saves.  I no longer have to hang onto my life and demand that my rights are respected -for THAT is living in slavery.  I don't need that to be free, I already am free.  And I can only do this living in surrender to God, one day at a time, with the help of Him and others in the body of Christ.

Living in surrender to God, I'm pretty sure, doesn't look like me having a "this is me, like it or leave it" attitude because I don't need the approval of others.  I AM free from needing the approval of others, so I can be a slave (be of service or of use to others) without feeling like I'm a slave to others because I know I'm really not, I'm really free.

Operating out of this mindset will greatly increase my possibility of saving some through the gospel message.  I don't need to work at proving to others that I'm free, by showing that I don't care about other people's approval and telling them if they don't like me, they can just leave.

Quite the contrary-
When I'm operating out of truly being free, I can make myself like a slave - for the benefit of the gospel and others - without it hurting my ever so delicate pride and ego.

And that is a blessing.

The difference between this mindset, you could call "people-pleasing" is it's based on love and serving others to that end.  The codependent people-pleasing that I wrote on in a previous post, is based on fear and is primarily self-serving out of that fear as a survival mechanism when operating out of fear.  Doing regular gut-checks and motives-checks is imperative.

Beatitudes - Bon Appetit

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, 
for they will be filled."  -Matthew 5:6

When I hunger for food - I go searching for something to eat.  When I'm thirsty, I'll get water and drink until I'm no longer thirsty.  I'm very grateful that food and water are easily within my reach, that the threat of starvation isn't something I'm facing today - thank God.

Not all which I hunger for is filled, with such little effort on my part though.  The search to fill specific hungers aside from food, require tenacity and persistence on my part.  With the awareness that if I don't find what I'm searching for pain and discomfort ensues, provides a powerful driving force.  This is why in recovery, it's said that pain and desperation are a gift - but it's usually viewed as such retrospectively.

I'm not referring to a hunger for food here, but rather for righteousness.  Both searches involve finding something that exists outside of myself.  I cannot conjure up food on my own, it exists entirely apart from my own self.  Same with righteousness, it's the ability to see life with God's eyes, not my own.  And this exists completely independent of myself.

As the body needs food and water to live, my spirit needs righteousness to be alive, living abundantly.  I'm considering righteousness within this context:

Seeing myself and others aright as defined by God the Creator of reality, not by the patterns of the world- including but not limited to my Christian upbringing, or society's value system (religious or secular).  

Is this the Greek or Hebrew definition of righteousness?  Probably not.  I'm not a Greek or Hebrew scholar, go ask them if that's what you want to know!  Here, I'm just sharing my recent personal take-away, processing this on my blog.  Take what you want, and leave the rest.

What does it look like to hunger and thirst for righteousness?  I've gotten confused between hungering for the appearance of righteousness versus hungering for the fulfillment of righteousness.  When I aim for appearing to be righteous by aiming for certain behaviors, what I really have is self-righteousness because that kind of righteousness is from within. Behaviors become a measurement of righteousness as defined by what I interpret as right.  I don't really need God for that.  There are many people in this world who lead very disciplined lives that function successfully, as is defined by this world (outward achievements) that don't ascribe to following God in the person of Jesus Christ.  I can strive to behave a certain way on my own, though this will lead to self-righteousness.  This keeps me from depending on God.

In order to identify what behaviors to imitate in order to appear righteous before others, I look to people to define what righteousness looks like.  It's often looked like the following:  knowing Bible versus, having regular church attendance, volunteering, not smoking or getting drunk, dressing modestly, not cussing, not listening to certain types of music (nothing wrong with these practices in and of themselves).  If that's my understanding of righteousness then that is what I'll try to accomplish and upon completion of those, I'll feel righteous.  Do these require me to depend on God?  Actually to a certain extent, yes, but only as so far as I need for Him to modify my behaviors.  Living this life of "righteousness" actually rewards me for being a performer or an actress, not the authentic me.  Righteousness is not something that's measured by performance at the cost of authenticity.  For that type of performance we have an over-abundant entertainment industry available to us.  The body of Christ, as I understand it, is here to represent Christ, not the entertainment industry that's based on performing before a fickle human audience.

Performing can be done without requiring my heart and soul (foundation of my character and identity) to be transformed by and surrendered to God, but rather requires me to be good at what I'm doing for God in the sight of other people.  Will trying to practice a certain set of behaviors make me feel or look more righteous? Perhaps.  Not to God though.  People can easily be deceived by outward appearances; not God.  He is not impressed nor deceived by these "righteous" performances, while my heart and character remain unchanged.

Going back to my hunger for food image...

Let's say I'm hungry.  Let's say my house is out of food. What could I do?  I could do nothing and say it's not my fault and blame someone else.  Doing nothing about my dilemma and blaming others will always be an option, no matter what the dilemma is.  The blame could very well be deserved, but that does not solve my problem of being hungry.  I need to take ACTION, or I will starve.  I need to be humble enough to acknowledge my need for food, then go searching for food by taking initiative.  This may include asking for help but whatever it includes, the fact remains - I will starve if I don't find food.

What about when it comes to righteousness?  Seeing myself (past, present and future) aright?  Seeing others aright?  Do I have an appetite for this?  Do I hunger for this?  I may hunger for appearing to be righteous, but not necessarily for being filled by righteousness as I'm referring to here (seeing things as God sees them, in contrast to myself and others).  Will I suffer if I don't search for righteousness the same way I'd continue to suffer if I was hungry and didn't go find food?  Yes, but it isn't a physical manifestation of suffering (at least usually not upfront), rather a spiritual one.  If I experience no pain or discomfort, then why would I get off my butt and put effort into searching for righteousness?  Another note - I won't make the effort in searching for this if I do not believe it can be found.  There is a critical role that faith plays in this pursuit of righteousness -that my pursuit to be filled or satisfied by it isn't in vain.

Seeing my life the way I see it with my own frame of mind has proven to be vanity.  Emptiness.  A chasing after the wind.  I will only repeat mistakes and stumble in sin and affliction when I'm listening to the myopic narrative running through my mind. When I fool myself into thinking that just because I believe in Jesus and know some Bible and go to church regularly, that this gives me righteousness and then believe all or most of my thoughts are consistent with His, I am self-deceived.  I won't go searching for what I falsely believe I already have.

This is where the appetite or hunger for righteousness comes in.  No wonder why Jesus preceded this with brokenness as the path that leads to hungering and thirsting for righteousness:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, 
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled..."  -Matthew 5:3-6

Pain and discomfort drive me to search for righteousness - UNTIL I FIND IT.  That righteousness is something I cannot get on my own.  I need God to provide that.  I'm not talking about salvation here.  I'm more so talking about sanctification or growth.  If I continue to view life defined by my value system and judgments, I won't go searching for His righteousness.  I'll be reluctant to exchange my value system (self-righteousness) for His value system (righteousness that fills).

I realize there are people, Christian or not, who do not hunger and thirst for righteousness.  Some believe they have it already based on operating from their Christian upbringing.  They've minimally if at all, questioned their value system because they were raised in the church.  In my limited but honest observation thus far - this mindset tragically stunts growth and cripples discipleship.  It's good to keep this sobering observation in mind when raising my own children, because they are being raised in the church, and it is my hope and prayer that they won't be blinded because of that, preventing them from hungering and thirsting for a righteousness that fills.

Jesus said what he said in Matthew 5:6 to his disciples not the crowds, so it was assumed the listeners were already following him...

"Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down.  His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them, saying..."  -Matthew 5:1-2

Aren't Jesus' disciples already walking with him?  But are they hungering and thirsting for righteousness that fills?  That is the difference between self-righteousness and God's righteousness.  God's fills, so there is no need to depend on others' approval or fear their disapproval of me in order to be filled.  I need to remind myself of that constantly, because everything else in my value system says to act like I don't care to hide the fact that I need to care because I have nothing else firmly holding me down.  When I'm already filled by God's righteousness, I can see me more clearly, and that fills so I'm not needing or sub-consciously trying to find fulfillment in someone or something else.

I want to be filled by His righteousness.  I don't like feeling hungry, so it drives me to finding what will fill that need.  And just like I need to eat several meals each day, I need to be filled on a regular basis by His righteousness.  I don't eat just one meal until I'm satisfied, to never have to eat again.  The difference is that when I am filled with His righteousness, I don't depend on something else to fill me on the side.

When it comes to righteousness, it requires me to go searching for it, it doesn't find me on its own, just as food and drink don't magically appear before me when I have an appetite for it.  I need to seek it out.  And many times, that search demands that I go out of my way in search of that.  I may need to rearrange all that I thought was true, normal, ordinary and valuable in order to be filled with that righteousness.  And that is a blessed thing.

My search will not be in vain, even though it requires effort...it will not be in vain.  Seeing life in the bigger picture, and in the details as defined by God and operating out of His values is worth the hunger, the thirst and the search.  I will be blessed in this search.  I already have been.  From feeding on the truth and grace that comes from Jesus, my hunger will be filled and I will feast upon that righteousness, I will enjoy its fruits, and may I regularly return to Him for my next meal, one day at a time.

Bon Appetit...