Worth watching..

my monday afternoon rant

One of them days.

Well, not one of them...this seems to be on a string of days like today.  Not feelin it.  Not in a very cheery mood today.  Just how am I going to manage this summer with having my oldest daughter home from school all day and probably other children to watch as well?  I love children, but I also find myself growling at them from time to time.  I don't know how them moms or dads can take it, and do it so patiently, graciously and calmly.  *sigh*--it's GOT to be an illusion that all other parents do that all the time...oh please let it be an illusion.

I can't wait to start back in school this summer.  But then again, I don't want to be too loud and proud about that.  I'm not feeling tons of assurance I'll make it.  I guess it's fear of history repeating itself when it comes to going back to school.  I love to study.  I love to read.  I love to discuss things with others about what I'm studying or reading.  I love writing about things I'm reading and studying.  But I don't do too well with always doing it according to someone else's criteria and actually finishing one book from cover to cover without starting on the next venture.  I see too many "squirrels" when I'm reading...distractions..distractions..

I guess that's why I'll be majoring in Psychology.  At least I'll be studying a topic that's fascinating to me.  But still.  I've tried going back to school, um how many times now since having children?  Umm..well I guess only once.  And it wasn't easy.  I only took one class and then dropped out feeling defeated and embarrassed.  I guess the business-field wasn't a good fit for me after all, didn't take too long to realize that one.

I don't know how people can hold down a job, have several children, run a household AND function sanely all simultaneously without everyone in the household up in arms.  Or tears. 

I am not one of those people who can take on a lot of things all at once.  I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can...up to the point of signing myself up for stuff...then....the I think I can's turn into what the hell have I gotten myself into?

Well, stress in life is inevitable.  I tell myself, -c'mon, roll with the punches.  Sink or swim.  But that's just survival.  I don't wanna just survive as I live day to day.  I want to thrive.  I don't want to just go through the motions day in and day out.  That ain't abundant life to me.  I want to be present as I go through the motions, and enjoying it, knowing I'm making a real difference in this world, even as I go about the mundane daily routines.

So, how much of this falls within my say-so, and how much isn't?  

As a human being, I find that I am freakishly powerful, yet I am also freakishly powerless.  This seems like such an odd paradox.

I have say-so in what I agree to.  I have say-so in what I disagree to, inside and outside of my head.  In terms of outside of my head -my time, my words, my finances are a few.  But these all begin with either agreements I make inside of my head.  Well, right now I feel over my head, inside of my head.  Why?

Up tight.  High-strung.  These are a few adjectives I've heard in reference to me...Obsessive-compulsive tendencies (though not severe enough to be diagnosed as a disorder apparently), impulsive and self-diagnosed ADHD.  Well, I guess that's why I'm feeling stressed out right now.  Wrap this all into a grocery trip with children playing tag around the grocery cart, a screeching toddler and all the stuff going on inside of my head...and this is what you get.

It's leaving though as I clickety-clack on my keyboard.  

Pull out my hair.  Vent on the computer.  Breathe.  Call a friend...adios stress..

Welcome back sanity.  So nice of you to come in.  Please, take off your coat and do stay awhile.

Later.  

Madonna - Frozen [Official Video]

At first I listened to this and was thinking of applying it to someone else and aiming it's lyrics and message to another. But...as I pondered to myself, I opened myself up to hearing this as a song to myself, from myself. Sound weird? That's ok. I'm ok with weird, more ok with being weird than status quo. Yes, it's a typical Madonna music video and a little creepy...but it sure gets the message across with some entertaining visual effects to accompany its message nonetheless. Perhaps consider listening to this as a song and receiving it as a loving plea from your own heart to yourself...at least consider it if you can get past some of the unconventional and unorthodox visuals...just consider it and perhaps it will speak to you, and perhaps it won't..that's ok too..