"This is me, like it or leave it."
I've heard this said before. I've heard myself say it or think it before. Really though? I would like to challenge this core value that is spoken or held, but often produces more resentment than intimacy in the lives of those who choose to operate from this place. Is it really about who you are? Or is it more accurate and truthful to say this is how you are, like it or leave it? Or even closer to the truth in saying; "This is how I will treat you, like it or leave it."
There is a subtle but very significant distinction between these statements when you get to the heart behind this. Saying, "This is me, like it or leave it", is appropriate within the context of factors that are unchangeable. For instance; my age, race, gender, past, and family of origin... -these are all parts that make up who I am as a unique individual.
There are definitely more parts of us that make up who we are; our talents, interests, hobbies, the pace at which we process thoughts and feelings. This is our unique molding which the sum total of them make up our individual personalities. I cannot become a super outgoing person, who is super laid back and not particular about activities, but rather easily enjoys going anywhere. Some people could, this would fit well with their personality and there's nothing wrong with that. That's just not me though, and there's nothing wrong with that either. This is not compatible with my personality. I can still choose to do them or be cooperative if asked to do them, but preferring to do it on my own is a different story.
While some of the choices I make reflect my personality, not all of them do. Many choices reflect my character much more than my personality, and character reflects the current condition/position of my heart and the core values it holds, consciously or sub-consciously. Each individual living on this planet has their heart on a journey. They are headed somewhere, even if they aren't aware of where they're headed, they are headed somewhere for sure. Nobody's heart remains still for long. In the course of time, my heart is either growing harder and colder, or it's growing softer and warmer - towards myself, others and God.
There is nothing indicative of an unloving or cold heart in saying, "this is me, like it or leave it" when it's said within the context of the unchangeable facets of my makeup (age, race, family of origin, etc). Even if I didn't like these parts of myself, if I'm going to befriend reality and myself, I need to accept it because I'm powerless to change it. Likewise, if others chose to be in a relationship with me, then it becomes necessary for them to accept those factors about me, because they are unmalleable.
Now - change the context of where this mindset is operating from to reflect not personality, but character. Huge difference.
"This is me, like it or leave it." When this is said (by words or by deeds) within the context of not being willing to change or work on the following:
how I respond to you,
how I speak to you,
how I express my feelings to you,
how I will handle conflicts with you,
how I will view you
and how I will treat you -
..we have a very different story. A totally different ball game all together.
The different ball game reveals a different heart, a different belief system towards the self and others. Becoming aware and honest about it is the beginning of change. Aware, not ashamed.
We are dealing with a heart that is leaning in the direction of becoming less warm and less soft, but rather more cold and more hardened.
Many of us, myself included, have areas in our hearts where we tend to be softer and tend to be more hardened or resistant. Often the areas where I'm more resistant are areas securely hidden in my blindspots. I cannot see them without the help of another. On my own and aside from others, I will clearly see these resistant areas in my heart 0% of the time. The need for me to be vulnerable with others in my journey towards growth and healing is a non-negotiable. It is indispensable - period.
Our hearts are on a journey. The journey I've committed my heart towards is one that has its goal of reflecting more of Jesus Christ, and less of self. It's a crazy journey I've embarked on. It's a journey wrought on with much adversity and uphill battles, but it's a journey I've never been called to travel alone in. It involves great intimacy with my Creator and Savior, Jesus Christ - who never leaves me nor forsakes me. By the way, I believe it is possible to not leave someone, but forsake them. You can be physically present, but still forsaking them.
If my relationships and/or friendships with others on this journey are under-girded by the mindset of "This is me, like it or leave it." and isn't indicative of my personality or biological traits, but rather of my character, there is a problem. A big one. It cannot be overlooked or underestimated. It must be confronted and confessed:
to myself,
others in whom I trust,
and to God.
To confront and overcome this mindset, a battle ensues, a spiritual one. It is often a stronghold. Denying this supplies the enemy of my soul ammunition to cause much pain in my relationships with others and greatly hinders me from sharing in the blessings from sharing the gospel.
"Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings." -1 Corinthians 9:19-23
My mind goes searching for the loopholes and starts asking, "Does this include the people in my life who are already saved by the gospel? Does this include my family members? Where am I exempt from operating out of this mindset?" -Nowhere.
The gospel message isn't something we live for part-time. We don't put our gospel uniforms on when around certain people and punch into the gospel-clock, then take off our gospel uniforms and live differently for the remainder of the day, at least we're not called to operate like this in my understanding of the New Testament.
Operating out of the mindset Paul had, I think, would benefit the message of the gospel greatly but is often, (at least in the majority of Evangelical American Christian circles), not valued and not practiced.
What if I were to operate from this mindset of Paul's? The mindset that knows that though I'm a free woman that belongs to no other human, doesn't mean I can then operate from a position that says, "This is me, like it or leave it."
Quite the contrary - Paul says he became (willingly) a slave to everyone. Why? To win as many as possible. It's a brilliant strategic mindset, one that a soldier would operate from, not a civilian.
Paul was willing to become all things to all men, so that by all possible means, he might save some. It was for the sake of the gospel. And in doing so, his expectation for sharing in its blessings is present, and is consistent with reality.
THAT IS LIVING IN FREEDOM. When I can willingly become a slave to everyone. Not a slave in the sense of being abused as a powerless victim. But in the sense that I'm willing to offer myself up to being USED or of service to God and others, for the sake of the gospel, without feeling like I'm sacrificing something I can't live without (my pride/ego). For the sake of the gospel, (not in merely intellectually knowing the gospel), but in being SAVED by it (not just my soul from eternal separation, but my relationships from being separated or cut off from peace and intimacy) in being free to actually living free and being saved from a life filled to only please myself -which is true bondage and slavery. That is the gospel that saves. I no longer have to hang onto my life and demand that my rights are respected -for THAT is living in slavery. I don't need that to be free, I already am free. And I can only do this living in surrender to God, one day at a time, with the help of Him and others in the body of Christ.
Living in surrender to God, I'm pretty sure, doesn't look like me having a "this is me, like it or leave it" attitude because I don't need the approval of others. I AM free from needing the approval of others, so I can be a slave (be of service or of use to others) without feeling like I'm a slave to others because I know I'm really not, I'm really free.
Operating out of this mindset will greatly increase my possibility of saving some through the gospel message. I don't need to work at proving to others that I'm free, by showing that I don't care about other people's approval and telling them if they don't like me, they can just leave.
Quite the contrary-
When I'm operating out of truly being free, I can make myself like a slave - for the benefit of the gospel and others - without it hurting my ever so delicate pride and ego.
And that is a blessing.
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