The Face of Humility

I have an apparent desire to be in close fellowship with other women who are messed up, but got something going for them that many don't have -humility.  I'm gonna try and coin humility here: being keenly aware of the fact that you're broken and messed up and making that problem yours to find solutions to, while admitting that you need the help of others in order to find this, which will carry you to increasing degrees of glory to glory.

At this very moment, I am keenly aware of the fact that I've got issues.  I just got back from a psychological testing intake appointment, -really?  Yes, really.  I've got issues.  And I want to walk with other women who know they've got issues too.  Normal women are boring to me.  Why?  Because they are coated in intoxicating denial and/or exclusive blaming.  I sometimes portray the boring woman when I step into that mindset, which tends to be my default.

When I come to grips with deeply sensing reality itself, I've then got something to work with.  -Reality.  Fact is, Christian or not, I live in a broken world.  I live in a broken state.  My relationships, my gifts and abilities are not being actualized to their full-potential to serve others and grow myself as a result.  True, I was created for far more than what I actually experience, this side of heaven.  I was created to long and yearn for something that I cannot experience 100% of the time here on earth.  There is a huge.  Huge, oh am I being over-repetitive here?  Good...there is a HUGE chasm between what I personally experience here on earth for most of the time, in contrast to what I was created to long for...

-intimately being known and knowing others and my Creator at a profound level of acceptance and love.

Sometimes I don't think that others (Christian or not) ever come to grips with this reality, this chasm.  I know it's taken me awhile and I'm just now starting to get some of it.  There's this huge gap between our fallen selves living in a fallen world, and what we were lovingly created to long for.  And not coming to grips with this, to me, is a facet of spiritual blindness.  Wake up and smell the sin.  Sin is brewing all around and within.  I'm not saying this as a way to drive you away from God in shame, but as in a way to drive you to God BECAUSE of sin.  Sin is evident that I have a heart beat and am trying to get my longings met without trusting in God to meet them, or demanding He meet them on my terms first.  My sin or struggle with sin (whatever separates me from God-not an act in and of itself) is evidence of a desire, or of a fact that I long for something I'm not fully getting, and am trying to get with other things/people occupying my Godspot.  It is evident that I was created for something else.  Coming to grips with this takes humility.  Learning to grieve over this huge gap between what is and what is meant to be, then surrendering that, trusting this chasm that I am keenly aware of to God, for Him to be overseer of...this is where I will be lifted up, in my surrender.  In the face of my humility, I will be lifted up.

"Grieve, mourn and wail.  Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.  Humble yourself before the Lord, and he will lift you up."  -James 4:9-10

Calculated Vulnerability

"Come near to God and He will come near to you."
James 4:8

Coming near to God means bringing the full measure of myself to Him.  All of my parts, the good the bad and the ugly.  God's response?  -He comes near to me, He meets me there.  He matches my vulnerability with intimacy.  Intimacy; not rejection, not judgement, not shame, and not hiding himself from me.

How far of a cry my experience has been with people, including Christians, especially Christians.  I've not been exempt from doing that.  When I've made myself vulnerable to another by showing all parts of me...especially showing my neediness, my experience starting from childhood, is that people tend to close up and act kinda funny.  I run into a wall when I express needs, especially of an emotional nature.

Being needy has been taught to me to be a sign of weakness or a liability in one's psyche or personality.  I've bought into that lie, way more than I wish.  I've thought it was too dangerous to show my needs to others, especially "strong Christians", because it will and has scared some away.  Now I can say, "Good riddance." and bid them farewell.  They will not do me any favors by influencing me to be like that anymore than I already am.  I'm asking God to grant me repentance from being like that and to give me courage to change what I can, with His aid.  But the true fleshing it out is done precisely in fleshing it out.  It's not by trying to brainwash myself in isolation and rewire my thoughts alone.  It happens in relationships with others.  The winning team includes God, me and others.  I want to surround myself with people who will help me grow into the likeness of God, not the religious people I've grown to pitty.  I'm realizing, how ungodly of a response to vulnerabilities that truly is...and it's contagious.  I also realize since I'm not God with limitless resources within, I cannot meet all the needs I'm presented with, He will guide me though.  But I don't need to shun anyone away because of their vulnerability factor.  God will guide me in re-directing them as needed.  He does that to me at times, by others.  It grows my "trust muscles" in having to wait a little sometimes :)

When I'm shunned or judged after becoming vulnerable I know that God is not being reflected there.  Far from it.  People who cannot handle the needs of others for love and connection and intimacy on a deeper level reflect something other than God.  Maybe their reflecting their fears, that's what I think I'm doing when I do that.  God responds to expressed vulnerability and needs by drawing close.  What a lie I've believed to think that it's the "dysfunctional" or "needy" people who are unsafe because of their needs, and to pull away from them in response, in a nice way of course.  That is more of a reflection of me and my stuff, not their's.  And the same goes for others who do this to me.  God doesn't get intimidated by my needs or the longings to have them fulfilled.  He weaved them into the human soul.  Neither is He is fooled by people's lack of awareness of their needs or by their denial of them.  He embraces those who accepts and not resists, their need for love and connection at a deep level.  This need is a trait of humans which distinguishes us from the rest of creation, otherwise we are just very intelligent animals.

Making myself vulnerable is being willing to be hurt, criticized and even attacked by others.  If I were not at risk for that, I wouldn't be vulnerable and I wouldn't be a reflection of Jesus.  Love involves risk -loving others and being loved by others, puts me at risk for getting hurt.  But it is a very calculated and premeditated risk.  Jesus did this when He entered the human race as an infant.  He came to a war-zone as a baby and entered this world which had powers and principalities in high places who hated him.  He knew it would cost Him everything, including His own life - being nailed to the cross.  Yet that is the very thing God used to defeat Satan and give us freedom from the enemy's charge of sin against us.  God used the enemy's plan and hate tactics to work for His plan of salvation and redemption, and all the schemes of Satan backfired onto himself.  God allowed Satan to play all his cards, to his own demise.

But none of this would have happened if Jesus didn't make himself vulnerable.  There is strength in taking certain risks.  There is wisdom in premeditated and calculated vulnerability, for the benefit of others.  It'll likely come with an assault from the enemy, but the greater the assault, the greater the backlash on Satan and the greater the glory of God is revealed.

Remember, God is also a warrior, a brilliant one, not just a powerful one.  And a part of His brilliant warrior heart is making Himself vulnerable.

Me First - Examination

In being a Christ-follower I'm called to conduct self-examination thoroughly before I even consider conducting cross-examination.  I am much better at conducting cross-examination though, because practice makes perfect :)  To conduct self-examination aright, I need the help of others, trusted companions who can see my blind spots.

I tend to function like an accountant that keeps track of the balance sheets with a slight bias.  I tend to keep track, in my favor.  A trusted companion, a sister who will love me, comfort me, and tell me the truth in what she sees will tell me when I'm way off.  When she's accepted my invitation to be in my life as an insider, she will help me see where I've misplaced blame onto others or myself.  She will also help me see that my feelings, no matter how illogical they may sound to others, do have validity and an important place.  She is indispensable.

Removing the logs in my eyes on my own is a scary business.  If I have logs sticking out of my eyes, how the heck can I see clearly to remove them without further injuring myself?  This is where the help of a loving and trustworthy friend's perspective and direction come into play.  For if I'm walking around with logs in my eyes, I certainly will hurt others when trying to remove their specks while conducting cross-examination before or instead of self-examination.  When it comes to examining conduct, attitudes and choices -it's me first baby.  I'm to look at myself first.  Ouch.

My trusted companions are an indispensable part of this path, and so am I to them.  In learning to be a safe person for others to trust, and trusting others myself, I'm moving along on this path of sanctification, toward holiness, and holiness cannot be lived in loneliness.  The backbone to all of this will become evident in whom or what I'm putting my faith in.  If I want a solid backbone, I'm learning and re-learning that I need to put my trust, my faith in Jesus.  He is my life-source, my Rock.  No matter how painful it may be to remove my logs, sometimes to just grow a new one, or how patient I must learn to be when asked to help another be a part of their log removal project, I can trust Jesus with the process.

I can walk this path, seeing clearer and clearer, one day at a time.  With the help of others showing up in my life, as I also chose to show up for others, including myself...I'll get this down more and more.

Seriously, taking one day at a time...

Needs or Chains?

More often than I care to admit, I confuse my needs with my wants.

When my valid, God-given needs start demanding that they get met in a precise way and in a precise time frame, they aren't my needs anymore; they're my chains.  They chain me to dependence on people instead of dependence on God.  They chain me to resentment and to operating out of fearing how I'll feel if those I depend on don't come through for me in the way or time frame I think they should.  When I demand that they do.

I'm learning to trust these needs to God, to submit my needs to Him, not people.  My needs are so valid and significant that they must be surrendered to a sinless, all-loving, all-powerful Being.  Thankfully one exists Who is willing and able to oversee them; His name is Jesus.  He most often meets my needs through people, but I want my dependence to be on Him, not them, for that is where freedom and peace come.  He will get my needs met in the right time.  It may not be on my timetable, but the agenda behind His timetable for meeting my needs is love.  The kind of love that results in transformation; becoming more like Him, who is full of grace and truth.  After all, He is the Bread of Life, and it is He who holds that perfect and powerful love that my soul longs for.  (See gospel of John)

When others do not fully meet my needs, and I start to lash out, resent, or judge them because of this; I have probably confused my needs with my wants.  The need to be heard and valued is a need.  The demand to be heard by a specific person, shown through specific words or actions, and in a specific time frame (that dishonor the value of the other person) is not a need, but rather a want disguised as a need.  It becomes apparent when this "need" becomes a demand, which keeps me in chains.  This hinders my freedom and growth, rather than engenders it.

My need for security, love, and connection etc., are each valid needs.  My demand to have these needs met in a precise way or time frame isn't a need, but a want, usually driven by fear.  I am learning to surrender all of my needs and wants to the One who can provide for them and can meet them in a way that will give me freedom and peace, apart from me having to demand them from others.

Doesn't this capture the essence of what the serpent capitalized on in his deceiving Eve?  -To mistrust God with her needs?  He used her valid needs, and deceived Eve into believing she needed to get them met on her timetable and in her own way, because God was withholding meeting them.  And the rest is history.

When it comes to meeting my needs, God really does have my back.  The way out of being in bondage to fear of not getting my needs met is through surrendering them to Him, one day at a time.  For on the other side of surrender is freedom, especially when the One I'm surrendering to is completely trustworthy and faithful.  Thankfully He is, He's Jesus.

Questions to Ponder

If I, as a Christ-follower, am only able to relate to others who call themselves Christ-followers or Christians; through using Bible verses or other Christian jargon, how can I relate to the rest of the world?

If my love and words only seem to be relevant to those who call themselves Christians...there is something missing...what could it be?
- connection?
- authentic love in the presence of diversity?
- trust in the relationship over trust in having similar beliefs?

What kinds of messages does my life preach to those who do not personally identify with "Christianity"?  With those I walk with or in close proximity to, whom have different philosophies on life and God, -am I relevant?    


Love is always relevant.
Jesus was always relevant.

Jesus was found least relevant, but most troubling to the religious leaders/experts in the law.
He was found most relevant and safe to sinners and outcasts.

Can I relate to Jesus in whom I can relate to?
What kinds of people am I found to be the safest to?
Whom am I found to be the most offensive and troubling to?

Something to ponder over I guess...

Rhyme Time - My PoeTRY

Slow and steady wins finishes the race,

Set your own rhythm, set your own pace.

Give to yourself, both time and grace,

Breathe, and acknowledge that He's in this place.

Enjoy your journey, trust His path,

Make time to play, and make time to laugh.

Embrace all life that's free & full

Seeing the mundane as all but dull.

Keeping a journal, and writing often

Helps to discern, and helps to soften,

A heart which is searching,

Or breaking or thanking.

Accepting the limits within all humanity,

Draws you to God, and away from insanity.

Gaining the courage to change what you can
And trusting God's work; redemption of man.

Honor His role, which cannot be taken

His grace and His love, will not be shaken.

Denial Speaks

Hello, have we met?

Let me please introduce myself to you...My name is Denial.

Usually I don't do this sort of thing...make honest confessions.  I am true to my name...but, then again my name is Denial, so being true to my name means I can deny its true meaning whenever convenient.

I like to pretend that I am your friend, that you need me to feel good about yourself.  I love it when I'm embraced so that my Embracer feels as if they are a quasi-god, -they do not need to change because they are above reproach.

This is how I like to operate...

After any type of painful or negative experience, I, Denial, will woo, pursue and sweep people off their feet so they rarely, if ever, need to ask themselves questions, or more than that..answer these questions that could teach them self-empowering lessons.  If they are self-empowered, they won't embrace me.  These lessons could teach them that they willingly played a role that resulted in their painful experience, hence they could willingly play a different role and maybe be a part of the solution, rather than perpetuating the problem by clinging to me. No, I will come and save the day, I will rescue them from being victimized to that sort of thinking.

No, that is not the message I,Denial, want to give to.


This is the message I want others to believe with all their hearts and minds about me, Denial:

My address is on the Island of Paradise, on Easy Street, for when you reside with me there you'll see why I've chosen that as my homeland.  You will never have to face anything unpleasant.  And if you do, it's never your fault!  Never!  I will cater to you with illusions of selective forgetfulness and numbness.  You can stare deeply into my eyes and feel as though that prickly thing called reality and self-examination dissipates when you lock your eyes with mine.  You can believe whatever you fancy, and I will support you, as long as you trust me, Denial, 100% and never question me.  I will be your caretaker, so that you'll never have to fall victim to taking care of yourself.

Questions, those icky things are what you'll never have to ask yourself or answer honestly...because asking questions will lead you astray from me, Denial.  Searching and questioning are dangerous.  Looking for answers which could lead to change within yourself is a huge no-no.  The moment you'll start doing that, I'll start to depart from you.  I cannot handle questions.  I can only handle your complete blind trust in me, without questions.  Close your eyes and turn your head away from questions.  If you want to walk with me, you'll need to just trust me.  When others try to dissuade you from submitting to me, Denial, it's because they do not understand, and want to buck the system of their norms.  They are dangerous people who are to be avoided at all costs.

Denial is my name and denial is my game  

Walk with me, and everything you hate fundamentally stays the same 

But that's not my fault after all

You're the one who made the call

I am your greatest asset to remaining stuck

Cuz lack of self-awareness, makes you, the devil's sitting duck

Hate me, love me, I don't care

I got no heart, no soul to bare

Where we'll eventually end, is exactly where your troubles began

Because facing reality and change are what you won't ever need to withstand

Denial is my name and denial is my game

It gets you nowhere, but I ain't to blame

I'm staying true to my name, which results in your shame

But I sure won't admit that I, Denial, am to blame

-by kristen lopez.

Thank you for putting up with sarcasm to make a dramatic point...
Informal Disclaimer: This is NOT meant for people who blame themselves for their abuse or exploitation they received in which they were powerless to prevent or stop, like children for example.  This is primarily for the adult who refuses to take ownership of their choices and instead..blames and hides behind denial.
We all fall short...own up and grow up.