The Face of Humility

I have an apparent desire to be in close fellowship with other women who are messed up, but got something going for them that many don't have -humility.  I'm gonna try and coin humility here: being keenly aware of the fact that you're broken and messed up and making that problem yours to find solutions to, while admitting that you need the help of others in order to find this, which will carry you to increasing degrees of glory to glory.

At this very moment, I am keenly aware of the fact that I've got issues.  I just got back from a psychological testing intake appointment, -really?  Yes, really.  I've got issues.  And I want to walk with other women who know they've got issues too.  Normal women are boring to me.  Why?  Because they are coated in intoxicating denial and/or exclusive blaming.  I sometimes portray the boring woman when I step into that mindset, which tends to be my default.

When I come to grips with deeply sensing reality itself, I've then got something to work with.  -Reality.  Fact is, Christian or not, I live in a broken world.  I live in a broken state.  My relationships, my gifts and abilities are not being actualized to their full-potential to serve others and grow myself as a result.  True, I was created for far more than what I actually experience, this side of heaven.  I was created to long and yearn for something that I cannot experience 100% of the time here on earth.  There is a huge.  Huge, oh am I being over-repetitive here?  Good...there is a HUGE chasm between what I personally experience here on earth for most of the time, in contrast to what I was created to long for...

-intimately being known and knowing others and my Creator at a profound level of acceptance and love.

Sometimes I don't think that others (Christian or not) ever come to grips with this reality, this chasm.  I know it's taken me awhile and I'm just now starting to get some of it.  There's this huge gap between our fallen selves living in a fallen world, and what we were lovingly created to long for.  And not coming to grips with this, to me, is a facet of spiritual blindness.  Wake up and smell the sin.  Sin is brewing all around and within.  I'm not saying this as a way to drive you away from God in shame, but as in a way to drive you to God BECAUSE of sin.  Sin is evident that I have a heart beat and am trying to get my longings met without trusting in God to meet them, or demanding He meet them on my terms first.  My sin or struggle with sin (whatever separates me from God-not an act in and of itself) is evidence of a desire, or of a fact that I long for something I'm not fully getting, and am trying to get with other things/people occupying my Godspot.  It is evident that I was created for something else.  Coming to grips with this takes humility.  Learning to grieve over this huge gap between what is and what is meant to be, then surrendering that, trusting this chasm that I am keenly aware of to God, for Him to be overseer of...this is where I will be lifted up, in my surrender.  In the face of my humility, I will be lifted up.

"Grieve, mourn and wail.  Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.  Humble yourself before the Lord, and he will lift you up."  -James 4:9-10