The Pleaser Games

Without being aware of it, I have at times taken it upon myself to manage the moods of other people that seem rather difficult to please.  I've felt it was a worthy accomplishment to earn the approval of people who seem challenging to win approval from.  It doesn't count if nice and sweet people approve of me, for their approval is easy to get.  I couldn't accept their approval without doubt and skepticism.  I've thought: 'how can they so easily like or approve of me without having to work my tail off to earn it?'  I'd then proceed to discredit their approval, going for the affirmation from rather un-affirming types of people.  Receiving their approval felt good, because it came after hard work.  It had to be earned, and also had a high price tag.   Those willing to work so hard for this approval, to the point of compromising their own sense of identify, dignity and sanity, were the most desperate for it..and sadly, has historically, at times been me.

The problem with this modus operandi?  -It often sets me up to work hard for diminishing returns.  

I have a special gift for picking out the most critical, ungracious, shame-based judges in a crowd (birds of a feather flock together).  With tunnel vision I'd go about the task of winning their heard-earned approval.  It was too uncomfortable to sit in my anxiety from the assumption that they didn't approve of me, and that I must receive their approval as a prerequisite for me to be OK with being me.  

People-pleasing.  One of my personal downfalls which has proven to be alive and well in codependent family systems.  These family systems can often appear to have peaceful, civilized and successful families.  Yet, aside from pretense (pretending),  there is a very different picture that emerges..  -A very dysfunctional and broken family that has little, if any tools to operate in truth and grace with one another, particularly in the presence of conflict.

I want out of this former way of life.  It's failed me.  Miserably.

In order to follow through with leaving this way of living and relating behind, I must first be ready to accept some temporary discomfort and anxiety.  I must be OK with the disapproval, even if it's only perceived, from these hard-to-please types of people.  I cannot allow them to occupy my Godspot any longer.  I cannot fear their wrath or judgment (silent, vocal, or imagined).  I must be OK from within, and not have that sense of being OK dependent on others.  ESPECIALLY on those who are more critical and shaming than not, and those whose default is to withhold validation and affirmation, which in my personal experience includes several most people - regular church attenders or not.  Historically, I myself would fit that description and would see no problem with that.  In fact, I'd carry a sense of pride for making it into that category of people  (self-awareness has been a true gift, but has come slowly for me).  

That is changing.  Praise God Almighty--that is changing.

In my beginning stages of exiting this former way of doing life, passed down through generations...-I've noticed a few things:

• When I drop the responsibility of managing other people's moods and perceptions of me by surrendering my people-pleasing agenda, I get 'looks' I immediately interpret as disapproval (whether imagined or not).  I have to be OK within, in order to sit temporarily in that discomfort and not default to people-pleasing as an escape and short-cut to very short-lived peace.  The discomfort will pass. 
• I'm arming myself with new information on other people's character, coming straight from the source (their own behavior).  I'm then able to choose my expectations with them based on their behavior, and not just my wishful thinking.  The behavior of others carries weight when determining my expectations.
• History is always in the making.  Tomorrow's history includes today's events.  I'm always participating in writing my history as long as I've been given the gift of this present moment.  Currently becomes my currency.  
• Choices made today allow me to create a new history for my tomorrow.  My yesterday's errors don't define me and don't have to be on repeat either.  I can make different choices today.
• In opting out of the people-pleasing game, I'm able to connect with people who love and accept me, the real imperfect me.  I'm now in a much better position to connect with others who don't have a propensity to be hyper-critical. On the contrary...they are gracious, loving and accepting, and it shows.  They are either settled or in the process of becoming settled in Who defines them (Who meaning God).  They love without me having to earn it (grace).  I in turn will build relationships with people who reflect more of God and mirror Jesus, in stark contrast with the way the world does love and acceptance (conditional & fickle).  This new way is contagious, it's what I believe humans were created for.  Being drawn to others like this, will in turn draw others who are open to this new way of life to me.  Birds of a feather, flock together.
• I become much less in-secure and much less dependent on trying to accurately read in between the lines, or interpret what the gestures or words of others really mean.  I'm much less preoccupied with how I assume others view me, because it's irrelevant.  If it was relevant, they'd be honest and gracious in sharing that information with me.  Otherwise it's none of my business.  When I'm not preoccupied with trying to mind the business of other people, I have a lot more freedom to show up in  living my own life.

Transformation--it's well worth the cost of admission.  The cost of admission? -willingness.