Is there a component of us that is made for drama? Drama within relationships? It sure as hell feels like that with me sometimes. Sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes it's not.
But..it seems like there is this drive for drama within human relationships..conflict and wrestling through conflict with the one you're in conflict with -or is it just my Korean DNA at work? ;) The drive or motivation as I personally see it is for the desire or purpose of getting to the next level of intimacy. Sometimes the only path that seems to land at intimacy is discovered behind the door labeled conflict. If I didn't care about intimacy in a relationship, if it wasn't something I desired, the conflict would easily be avoided without much second thought. But...when I care about a relationship being on a certain level of intimacy, anticipating the need to address conflict is often the best indicator that this relationship really matters to me and I want to go deeper in it. Some of the obstacles I see on my end are often related in one way or another to fear and/or shame. And it's usually either fear and/or shame that prevents me from initiating an encounter with the other person to address a matter that will bring about conflict, that if shared and received openly and graciously on both ends, will help us cross the bridge to the next level of intimacy within the relationship.
This is a common phenomenon within opposite-sex relationships, at least in my personal observations and experiences thus far. It seems much more common to have a conversation clarifying the perimeters or expectations of a relationship with a member of the opposite sex (be it a significant-other or a spouse), than it is with someone of the same-sex. We work on our marriages, but do we work on our same-sex friendships? True, I'm not in a covenant with them, as in a marriage, but then again...didn't King David and Jonathon enter into a covenant friendship? "And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself." -1 Samuel 18:3 King David was soon to be a married man after this, with Jonathan's sister (it was a platonic covenant, not sexual). I don't know about you, but I've personally never even considered covenants within the context of my same-sex friendships, it's not ever been on my to-do list. But marriage sure was.
As a heterosexual American female, I do not find myself historically having intense conversations with my female friends about where our relationship is, where I see it going and my hopes for it, nearly as often as I have with members of the opposite sex. And, speaking of personal history here...many of my hang-ups in life have involved a disproportionate dependency on that single relationship with the member of the opposite sex. I use the word disproportionate because I've had other simultaneous relationships, yet most of them lacked drama, conflict and deeper intimacy. Those other simultaneous relationships were much more often than not, with my female friends, while the drama was strictly reserved for the opposite-sex relationships.
I wonder if the reason I was so dependent on one single relationship (with opposite sex) at a given time had anything to do with me not allowing myself to experience healthy drama/conflict within my female relationships, which short-circuited me from having a more intimate friendship? I was more willing to be vulnerable with the opposite-sex, but didn't tend to be so with my girlfriends. I hid instead. I usually avoided these conflicts, thinking of them as lame and immature (shame-based thinking). I've thought: -only schoolgirls fight with their girlfriends or feel hurt by them and go tell them about it. In womanhood, where girls are grown-ups, they just don't get offended by their girlfriends as easily. They are above and beyond that level of immaturity, right?...hahaha..
Well, perhaps if that means they honestly aren't feeling hurt or disappointed in any of their other relationships particularly with members of the opposite sex. But as for me, historically speaking, this has not been the case, as much as I wish I could deny that fact, I cannot. When I get really honest with myself, I can see that I've been somewhat shallow with my female friends, avoiding conflict/confrontations which demands vulnerability, and have carefully placed all those eggs in the basket of opposite-sex relationships, which have caused me to have a disproportional dependency on opposite-sex relationships in meeting my needs and carrying me through life, even as a Christian.
A perfect recipe for resentment.
I'm now entering a brand new chapter in life.
Those schoolgirl relationships were like that because schoolgirls primarily had each other on their radar. It was before the days when boys came onto the forefront of their radar screens. Drama, joy and intimacy was experienced and expected within those friendships with other girls, not boys.
Well, I am now a woman. A grown-up, not a schoolgirl anymore but I find myself longing for those schoolgirl type friendships with other women. Not the silly conflicts necessarily, but sure...if that is what's part of the package for having close relationships with other women and balancing me out more in my relationship with my husband..then fine. So be it. But it's for the purpose of having an intimate relationship, not only reserved for one person of the opposite sex.
No wonder why so many women (and men) in our culture have such a longing for an intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Could it be because that is the only context our culture doesn't get all weird about when there is conflict and drama involved? Opposite-sex relationship drama/conflict and intimacy sells. It's glamorized, critiqued and coveted starting at a young age. And what about same-sex, platonic, dramatic and intimate friendships? They are mostly brushed to the side. Most of us don't know how to do those. They are uncomfortable and cause many to feel awkward and uncomfortable. But we are all OK with the broken marriages and/or dysfunctional relationships between members of the opposite sex. Maybe OK isn't the right word, but we don't find it odd or weird. Nobody (at least that I know of) finds it odd when someone is in tears following a quarrel or conflict with a member of the opposite sex.
A bad fight with a member of the opposite sex that leads to tears? -NORMAL.
A bad fight with a female friend that leads to tears? -WEIRD.
Is there anything WRONG with our views of normal here?? Dysfunctional marriages are much more "normal" than healthy and intimate platonic friendships with members of the same sex. And what lies at the core of my obstacles for experiencing those types of relationships?
-Fear and Shame.
When Fear and Shame partner up, they create the perfect incubators for sin (that which separates me from God and His peace), because they function as perfect pockets for isolation from healthy and intimate friendships with members of the same-sex. And from there..we get tons of perfectly normal, dysfunctional, broken, opposite-sex relationships and marriages...yay for our normal.
Is it just me, or does anyone else see something incredibly disturbing about this?
Even more disturbing is that not many find it disturbing at all, but rather accept it as normal...
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