Several months ago, I couldn't have pictured myself considering doing this. Now, I am in awe of it.
Some have wisely said to not get stuck on working step one. The way it's been working out in me, is that by doing a thorough and investigative step one, I am launched into being ready for a step two and three.
I have gained a lot of insights from only this first step. I'll share some of my own thoughts about working step one for myself.
Step One from Alcoholics Anonymous reads:
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
While I am not an alcoholic, I clearly have my own set of personal addictions or compulsive behavioral patterns that have created painful consequences throughout my life. Though it isn't at the hands of a drinking problem, it nonetheless has caused great affliction, for myself and others.
Step one is an admission of a sickness/struggle/addiction - and the powerlessness that surrounds me being able to conquer or control it on my own. Instead, it has conquered or controlled me.
To me, I cannot or need not believe in a Higher Power to restore me to sanity (step two) if I'm believing I can manage just fine on my own. I must admit that I am really sick before I can admit that I really need a doctor.
This first step is very significant for me. If I do not get this, I cannot live a sober life. When I say sober, I mean live free from that which causes great pain, but that which I keep defaulting to despite its negative consequences. Step one paves the way for my willingness and necessity for a step two, (which is having faith/belief in a Higher Power), and then a step three (which involves me making a tremendous decision based on coming to that faith/belief).
Jesus (who I've chosen as my Higher Power) said it is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick. He came to call not the righteous, but sinners. (Mark 2:17, Luke 5:31, Matthew 9:12-13)
When I believe I am not sick (or not that sick), not in need, or pretty okay overall, then I am a self-made woman. I will continue to walk in the faith of me being my higher power. My faith will need to consist of me relying on myself, which works fine. Why not? I can manage my life and have enough power over my demons, and see that all is pretty well. I therefore will not feel the need to believe in any power greater than myself. To me, this is the essence of my insanity. And nobody can argue or coerce me into admitting it. It must be freely realized on my own.
I'm ill inclined to draw this conclusion and make this admission of my powerlessness on blind faith alone. I need evidence. Writing out my first step has provided great understanding. It gives me clear evidence that I am, indeed in need. I am powerless over my addictions/struggles or spiritual sickness that esteems self-sufficiency, and because of that, my life has become unmanageable. I've lived long enough to see a trail of evidence throughout my life which becomes quite apparent when I'm open to seeing it, despite my feeling offended by it.
I can then confidently admit, based on clear facts and evidence by doing an inventory of the effects of my addictions, whatever they may be, that I am powerless. I am in need. I am truly sick. I'd better get a Doctor.
And this paves the way for my step two...
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
